Subject: Conflict (Page 7)

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

He scored hockey by the number of fights. If you lost seven to one, but won five fights, he figured you won the game.

Canadian businessman, sportsman & owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.


(1799 – 1850) French novelist & playwright

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.

(1921 – 1999) American writer (The Godfather)

You might be a redneck if… you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Gun-free zones kill people

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate; and I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

I do have some sad news to report: Bjork could not be here; she was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq; after all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!


(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Looting: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

My wife and I had words – but I never got to use mine.

I don’t worry about terrorism… I was married for two years.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian

Murderers – stop murdering; everyone will die eventually… just sit down and be patient.

(1975 – ) English comedian, actor & writer

The Middle Eastern states aren’t nations, they’re quarrels with borders.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

Tracers work BOTH ways.

At their core, women fear that men will kill them; at their core, men fear that women will laugh at them.

(1954 – ) security specialist, advisor & author

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer