Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
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Alfred E. Neuman
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Okay, Father. I'll pray that you don't follow me too soon.
(1920 – 1945) only American soldier to be court martialed and executed for desertion during World War II
In response to the chaplain saying “Eddie – when you get Up There say a little prayer for me.
The nourishment is palatable.
(1800 – 1874) 13th U.S. President
His response when his physician inquired about his food.
I don't feel good.
(1849 – 1926) American botanist & horticulturist
Burbank died after a heart attack followed by gastrointestinal complications.
The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.
(1955 –2011) business magnate, co-founder & CEO of Apple
As reported by his sister on his death bed.
Never drive at night.
(1834 - 1902) American manufacturer
Lucas was the founder of Lucas Industries manufacturer of automotive alternators and headlights – which were notorious for unreliability in the early days of automobiles.
Well, I've had a happy life.
(1778 – 1830) English writer, essayist, critic, grammarian & philosopher
Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.
Field’s reply: Yes, it is, very hard… it’s almost impossible.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
As Ambrose Wolfinger in “Man on the Flying Trapeze”
Give Death Panels a Chance
I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother, because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
But how the devil do you think this could harm me?
(1713 – 1784) French philosopher, art critic & writer
Upon being warned by his wife not to eat too much
At the funeral, everyone said, 'What a shame, he died penniless;' I don't know — to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hell of a budget.
Al Clethen Jr.
Can this last long?
(1650 – 1702) Dutch ruler over England & Ireland & Scotland
When his doctor told him that he was ill.
There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.
(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer
It's very beautiful over there.
Thomas Alva Edison
(1847 – 1931) American inventor, scientist & businessman
Spoken to his wife as he lapsed in and out of consciousness
This isn't Hamlet, you know. It's not meant to go into the bloody ear.
(1907 – 1989) English actor, director & producer
Supposedly said this when a nurse attempting to moisten his lips mis-aimed. In Shakespeare's play “Hamlet” the title character's father is killed when poison is dripped into his ear while asleep.
I am dying from the treatment of too many physicians.
Alexander the Great
Alexander III (356 – 323 BC) King of Macedon
Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
I feel sleepy, a short time of rest would do me good.
(1746 – 1792) King of Sweden
He had been shot at a masquerade ball two weeks earlier.
If I were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
(1803 – 1857) English writer
Only from the cold, my friend.
(1736 – 1793) French astronomer, orator & leader of the French Revolution
His reply when he was heckled by a spectator who noticed that he was trembling while on the scaffold awaiting the guillotine.
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