Subject: Death

One day my girlfriend asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

I have lost friends, some by death… others through sheer inability to cross the street.

(1882 – 1941) English novelist, essayist, publisher & feminist
Accidents Age Death Friends People

This is on me.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Death

I'm tired of fighting! I guess this thing is going to get me.

born Erik Weisz (1874 – 1926) Hungarian-born American magician, stunt performer & escape artist
Last words

You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.

(1953 – 1992) American career criminal & convicted murderer
Last words

Eulogy: Praise that’s too much and too late.

Death Definitions

The harsh truth is that the cause of death is birth.

(1937 – ) English painter, printmaker, stage designer & photographer
Death Life

Die: To stop sinning suddenly.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Death

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Death Family

Our sympathy is extended to Samuel Austin, whose mother pasted away.

Church Bulletins Death

One last drink, please.

(1846 – 1911) American distiller
Last words

The way I see life, is like we’re all flying on the Hindenburg… why fight over the window seats?

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Death Life

A critic is a bunch of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.

(1926 – 2007) American jazz critic & book reviewer
Communication Death Occupations Work

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Death Emotions Happiness Laughter Life

How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?

(1810 – 1891) American showman, businessman, entertainer & circus founder
Last words

Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose.

(1755 – 1793) Archduchess of Austria & the Queen of France
Last words

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Death Murphy’s Laws

My grief counsellor died the other day… but he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Death Emotions

I had a friend who was a clown and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Death Friends People Things

The fence around a cemetery is foolish, for those inside can’t get out and those outside don’t want to get in.

(1864 – 1936) American newspaper editor & writer
Death Places

Do you think we should drive a stake through his heart just in case?

(1904 – 1964) Austrian-Hungarian actor
Death