Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
View All Authors
Live each day as if it were your last… because one day, you’ll be right.
(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Everything has its drawbacks, as the man said when his mother-in-law died, and they came down upon him for the funeral expenses.
Jerome K. Jerome
(1859 – 1927) English writer
I am dying. Please… bring me a toothpick.
(1873 – 1907) French writer
For a time these words were considered a final expression of his absurdist humor however a doctor asserted that they were perfectly understandable due to his dehydration.
Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Subject of dispute
When asked by a priest to renounce Satan
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
When asked by his wife where he would like to be buried
Ah, well… we live and learn, or, anyway, we live.
(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
I have to set my pillows one more night… when will this end already?
(1783 – 1859) American author, essayist, biographer & historian
Said to his niece as he readied himself for bed – whereupon he suffered a stroke and collapsed.
Go away. I'm all right.
(1866 – 1946) English author
Wells did not realize he was dying.
Why not? After all, it belongs to him.
(1889 – 1977) English comedian, actor & film director
Chaplin said this after a priest was reading him his last rites and said "May the Lord have mercy on your soul.”
This is on me.
(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Suggested for her tombstone
Who is it? Who is it?
Billy the Kid (William H. Bonney)
(1859 – 1881) American frontier gunman
Moments before being shot by Sheriff Pat Garrett
When I die, I hope to go to heaven… whatever the hell that is.
(1905 – 982) Russian-American novelist, philosopher, playwright & screenwriter
Hurrah for anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life.
(1836 – 1887) German born anarchist & labor union activist
Shouted before his execution at the gallows
Time: That which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him.
(1820 – 1903) English philosopher
Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.
(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Early to bed
He died of cirrhosis of the liver… it costs money to die of cirrhosis of the liver.
(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Cirrhosis of the liver
Okay, I won’t.
(1935 – 1977) American singer
To fiancée Ginger Alden. She had told him when he was on the way to the bathroom “Don’t fall asleep in there.”
The great thing about the dead, they make space.
(1932 – 2009) author, poet & critic
Page 1 of 27
Copyright © Just-One-Liners.com