Subject: Death

Murderers – stop murdering; everyone will die eventually… just sit down and be patient.

(1975 – ) English comedian, actor & writer

They say you shouldn’t say nothin’ about the dead unless it’s good; he’s dead… good!

(1894 – 1975) American comedian

Being dead is one way to experience nothing, another is to attend some classes at my school.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

John Montague to John Wilkes: You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease.

Wilkes’ reply: That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

(1725 – 1797) English radical, journalist & politician

It has all been very interesting.

(1689 – 1762) English aristocrat & writer

It's stopped.

(1791 – 1863) English surgeon & literary executor of Samuel Taylor Coleridge

You have to treat death like any other part of life.

American auto racer

It seldom happens, I think, that a man has the civility to die when all the world wishes it.

(1626 – 1696) French writer

Jolson’s funeral was widely attended by those who wanted to make sure.

(1898 – 1981) actor, singer, songwriter & movie producer

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Mausoleum: The final and funniest folly of the rich.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

The fence around a cemetery is foolish, for those inside can’t get out and those outside don’t want to get in.

(1864 – 1936) American newspaper editor & writer

This isn't Hamlet, you know. It's not meant to go into the bloody ear.

(1907 – 1989) English actor, director & producer

Remember the old days?… grandma died — you brought her in the backyard, and you buried her… tract housing ruined that.

television executive & comedian

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

No Comment

(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is — he’s the reason you all live underground.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.

(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer

The play is over, applaud!

(63 BC – 14 AD) first emperor of the Roman Empire

I am starting to believe you are not intending to count me amongst your friends.

(1879 – 1936) Spanish comic playwright

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
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