Subject: Death

The best way to get praise is to die.

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral – which I thought was cocky.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

But how the devil do you think this could harm me?

(1713 – 1784) French philosopher, art critic & writer

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

(1892 – 1964) singer, dancer, comedian, actor & songwriter

I could shoot better!

(1920 – 1945) Dutch communist resistance fighter during World War II

Turn me.  I am roasted on one side.

(c.225 – 258) a deacon & celebrated Roman martyr

Okay, Father. I'll pray that you don't follow me too soon.

(1920 – 1945) only American soldier to be court martialed and executed for desertion during World War II

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

That's good. Go on, read some more.

(1865 – 1923) 29th U.S. President

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Never drive at night.

(1834 - 1902) American manufacturer

Home to the palace to die.

(1818 – 1881) Emperor of the Russian Empire

Never felt better.

(1911 – 2000) American actor

I don't jog; if I die I want to be sick.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach

It wasn't worth it.

(1884 – 1957) Russian-born American film producer

Why not? After all, it belongs to him.

(1889 – 1977) English comedian, actor & film director

Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death.

(1963 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, screenwriter & film producer

Another victim of the grim weeper.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

You haven’t lived until you’ve died in California.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor

I am about to take my last voyage, a great leap in the dark.