Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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I'd just like to say I'm sailing with the Rock and I'll be back like Independence Day with Jesus, June 6, like the movie, big mothership and all. I'll be back.
(1956 – 2002) American serial killer
Before her execution
When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead.
(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist
He can be lethal death.
(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Take me home. I was born in the South and I wish to die and be buried in the South.
Booker T. Washington
(1856 – 1915) African-American educator, author & political leader
The prettier. Now fight for it.
(1851 – 1929) English dramatist & playwright
On his deathbed his nurse and his niece asked him whom he would prefer to have at his side during the evening. This was his reply.
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch; my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Well, if it must be so.
(1843 – 1907) Norwegian composer & pianist
I ain’t afraid to die fat… that’s my pallbearers’ worry.
I'm going away tonight.
(1933 – 2006) American singer, songwriter & musician
Said minutes before his death from congestive heart failure
Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck.
(1906 – 1972) Russian-born English actor, singer-songwriter & music composer
Left behind a suicide note before taking an overdose of sleeping pills.
To stop sinning suddenly.
(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Truman Capote's death was a good career move.
(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
(1956 – ) author & movie actress
I shall look forward to a pleasant time.
(1737 – 1793) American merchant, statesman & patriot of the Revolution
George W. [Bush] was born on third, but thinks he hit a triple.
(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize,’ … except at a funeral.
(1973 – ) American comedian
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other – so now it’s just a waiting game.
(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian & game show host
I'm tired. I'm going back to bed.
(1914 – 1959) American actor best known for his role as Superman
The last thing he said to his friends before shooting himself in his bedroom.
Ah, well… we live and learn, or, anyway, we live.
(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
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