Subject: Death

Many people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

Mozart! Mozart!

(1860 – 1911) Austrian composer

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago, because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Life is pleasant… death is peaceful; it’s the transition that’s troublesome.

(1920 – 1992) American science and science fiction author & professor

The most undesirable things are the most certain (death and taxes).

My design is to make what haste I can to be gone.

(1599 – 1658) English military & political leader

Money still talks these days… trouble is, you have to increase the volume alot!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

The news of any politician’s death should be listed under ”Public Improvements.”

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I hope the exit is joyful and hope never to return.

(1907 – 1954) Mexican painter

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

To stop sinning suddenly.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher

Sergeant, the Spanish bullet isn't made that will kill me.

(1860 – 1898) American soldier with the Rough Riders, sheriff, newspaper editor, politician, gambler & lawyer

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

Famous Last Words: “This is easy.”

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of someone who had searched for the leak in life’s gas pipe with a lighted candle.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.

(1877 – 1959) English theatre & film actor

We think he’s dead, but we’re afraid to ask.