Subject: Definitions


Humorous definitions, often through the use of puns or wordplay

Cookie: A standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.

Fishing: A venerable contest in which modern man pits his intelligence and technology against the native wit of primitive aquatic vertebrates, and generally finishes second.

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

Amateur Athlete: An athlete who is paid in cash, not by check..

Martyr: One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Ability: What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss.

Capitol: The seat of misgovernment.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Traffic Light: A trick to get pedestrians halfway across the street safely.

Insider trading: Stealing too fast.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist

Eskimos: God’s frozen people.

Martial Arts: A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs – amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one’s opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.

Statistician: A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. 

Gossip: Anything that goes in one ear and over the back fence.

Limit: Maximum number of a particular fish that an angler can take in a day. This number varies from place to place and species to species, but it is a largely theoretical restriction with little practical application.

Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Budget: An orderly system of living beyond your means.

Eccentric: A man too rich to be called crazy.

Intuition: The sixth sense that allows a woman five wrong guesses.

Chatterbox: Another name for a telephone booth.

Bank: An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you don’t need it.

Ultimatum: In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.

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