Subject: Definitions


Humorous definitions, often through the use of puns or wordplay

Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.

Nepotism: Putting on heirs.

Luck: An explanation for the other fellows’ success.

Plumber: A drain surgeon.

Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Fore: A golf bawl.

Cigarette: A bit of tobacco with a fire at one end and a fool at the other.

Belong: To take your time.

An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician

Thingy: Female Interpretation: Any part under a car’s hood; Male Interpretation: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Advertising: That which makes you think you’ve longed all your life for something you never even heard of.

Bore: A person who takes his time taking your time.

Anatomy: Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl.

Honesty: The fear of being caught.

Umpire: The original strike arbitrator.

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Father’s Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Old Age: When you find yourself using one bend-over to pick up two things.

Philosophers: People who talk about something they don’t understand, and make you think it’s your fault.

Easy Payments: The ones that are easier said than done.

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