Subject: Definitions

Definitions:

Humorous definitions, often through the use of puns or wordplay

Sterilize: What you do to your baby’s first pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it on your shirt.

Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

Tissue: Your daily nosepaper.

Subsidy: A formula devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it’s a gift.

Aversion: One side of a disputed story.

Selfishness: A state of mine.

Brothel: Home is where the tart is.

Critic: One quick-on-the-flaw.

Fanatic: One who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts.

Old Age: When you wink at a girl and she says, “Something wrong with your eyes?”

Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Traffic Light: A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches.

Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Knitting: An exercise that gives women something to do when they are talking.

White Supremacists: The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.

Keepsake: Something given us by someone we’ve forgotten.

Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.

Courtship: A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better.

Awe: Wow of silence.

Evangelist: A bearer of good tidings who gives us the good news and assures us of our own salvation and damnation of our neighbors.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Chauffeur: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.













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