Subject: Definitions

Definitions:

Humorous definitions, often through the use of puns or wordplay

Middle Age: That period when a man begins to shed his hair, his teeth, and his illusions.

Worry: Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Window Shopping: Eye browsing.

Inch: Unit of measure whose length is consistently underestimated by men.

Mixed Company: What you are in when you think of a story you can’t tell there.

Admiral: A general at sea.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Epitaph: An inscription which hopes that virtues acquired by death will have a retroactive effect.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Vacation: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

Hypochondriac: Someone who enjoys bad health.

An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Alimony: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.

Cat: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one’s friend’s friend.

Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.

Fishing License: Permit issued upon payment of a modest fee that allows fishermen to lose lures in a specified area.

Twins: Womb-mates.

To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Consultant: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter