Subject: Education

Genitals are a great distraction to scholarship.

(1932 – 2000) English author & academic

The hardest thing to do at a community college is cheat on a test because the only people you can cheat off of also go to a community college.

American stand-up comedian

Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

(1919 – 2000) Canadian prime minister & politician

I failed math so many times in school, I can’t even count.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake… which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.

(1915 – 1987) American football player and coach

I was the only black in every class; hard to be absent.

(1969 – ) American comedian & actor

I took a course in speed waiting… now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.


1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it. 2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it.

You may be a redneck if you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

[Caddyshack] was a six-million-dollar scholarship to film school.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer

How is education going to make me smarter?

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

College is great; it’s the only time in life where you can write a check for 39 cents… and bounce it.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

You can learn many things from children… how much patience you have for instance.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

You might be a redneck if… your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

Absolute Zero: The lowest grade attainable on a test.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Anyone who has passed through the regular gradations of a classical education, and is not made a fool by it, may consider himself as having had a very narrow escape.

(1778 – 1830) English writer, essayist, critic, grammarian & philosopher

University: A college with a stadium seating more than sixty thousand.

Education: What you have left over when you subtract what you’ve forgotten from what you learned.