Subject: Education

I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the following semester.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

Teacher: A person who swore she would starve before teaching, and who has been doing both ever since.

I spent three of the happiest years of my life in the fifth grade.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

If you’re studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I never did very well in math – I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn’t meant my answers literally.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist

To learn that all I really need to know I learned in kindergarten, I needed to go to grad school.


In public school my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

(1803 – 1869) French Romantic composer

I'm from one of those places where the whole number system consists of one, two and a shitload.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist

Dad taught me everything I know; unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.

(1962 – ) American race car driver

Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign

They say you never forget your first school teacher, I had mine like 4 years in a row… I was dating her by the time I got out of that joint.

American actor & stand-up comedian

I had a terrible education… I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If we really learned from our past mistakes, most of us would never get out of bed in the morning.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Trying to give my kids an education in Los Angeles is a nightmare with the guns, the gangs, the drugs – and I'm home schooling them.

American comedian & writer

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

I took a course in speed waiting… now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.


Help veterans in need with one click. The Veterans Site