Subject: Emotions

I have the biggest crush on my dentist; I’ve been doing everything to see him; I gargle with Coke.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host

Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?… turn out the lights!

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If I weren’t earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people in the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I’m not only Iranian, I’m also Jewish, and I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking, ‘Wow, he’s Iranian and Jewish; I don’t know if I should hate him or hate him.’

American standup-comedian

I look like the wrath of grapes.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

Men love war because it allows them to look serious… it is the one thing that stops women laughing at them.

(1926 – 2005) English novelist & essayist

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

(1921 – 2004) English actor & author

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? … well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

(1982 – ) American author

Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love… unless you’re single & lonely then it’s called Laundry Day.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy; one is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.

(1775 – 1817) English novelist

I read somewhere that men’s biggest fear is that women will laugh at them. And women’s biggest fear is that men will kill them… kind of different stakes that we’re working with.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

A mutual misunderstanding.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.