Subject: Entertainment

Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands – and all you can do is scratch it.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

Fiddler: A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso.

It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver… Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer

There's no business like show business… but there are several businesses like accounting.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

Stand-Up [comedy] is a lot like sex; there's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian

I’m always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I’m not going to offend!

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor

The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.

comedian

Ricardo Montalban is to improvisational acting what Mount Rushmore is to animation.

(1929 – 1989) American actor, screenwriter & filmmaker

I like Wagner’s music better than anybody’s; it is so loud that one can talk the whole time without people hearing what one says.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone “Hello?”

(1973 – ) animator, writer, actor & producer

The problem with women in an orchestra is that if they’re attractive it will upset my players and if they’re not it will upset me.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.

(1912 – 1992) American news journalist

An actor’s success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Elwood: Eh… what kind of music do you usually have here?

Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. We got country and western.

(1941 – ) American actress

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

His approach to the microphone is that of an accused man pleading with a hostile jury.

(1927 – 1980) English theatre critic & writer

I'm not an actor, and I enclose met press cuttings to prove it.

(1915 – 1999) American stage, film & television actor

Television: A watching machine.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer