Subject: Entertainment

Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands – and all you can do is scratch it.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

Never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married; a lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author

U2’s lawyers work pro bono.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The first time I saw you on stage I realized what a wonderful voice you've got; I think you're so brave not to have had it trained.

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator

I was happy when I fist heard Ronald Reagan was running for the presidency; I’ve always thought, once you’re in show business you should stay in it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.

(1848 – 1907) Irish-born American sculptor

The secret of my piano playing is that I always make sure that the lid over the keyboard is open before I start to play.

(1882 – 1951) Austrian composer & pianist

Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer

Director: The one who always faces the music.

It's ill-becoming for an old broad to sing about how bad she wants it… but occasionally we do.

(1917 – 2010) American singer & actress

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Many are willing to suffer for their art.. few are willing to learn to draw.

(1967 – ) English comedian

To hell with them small towns, I'll stick to New York.

(1893 – 1980) American singer, pianist, comedian & actor

If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Bond smoked like Peter Lorre, drank like Humphrey Bogart, ate like Sydney Greenstreet, used up girls like Errol Flynn… then went to a steam bath and came out looking like Clark Gable.

(1926 – 1991) American television journalist

Assassins!

(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor

I would rather see the portrait of a dog that I know, than all the allegorical paintings they can show me in the world.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer

The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

Everybody tells jokes, but we still need comedians.

(1966 – ) entrepreneur, founder of Wikipedia

For every little kid who still believes in Santa Claus, there is at least one adult who still believes in professional wrestling.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
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