Subject: Entertainment » Music

Jack Benny played Mendelsson last night… Mendelsson lost.

You might be a redneck if… you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks; there you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I hate music, especially when it's played.

(1893 – 1980) American singer, pianist, comedian & actor

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

Accordion Music: Noise that comes from playing both ends against the middle.

Accordion: A pleated bagpipe.

Accordian: An instrument inharmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Harpist: A plucky musician.

Accordion: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.

Play us a medley of your hit.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

Harp: A piano in the nude.

The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.


Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

(1901 – 1963) American comic actor, writer & director

The secret of my piano playing is that I always make sure that the lid over the keyboard is open before I start to play.

(1882 – 1951) Austrian composer & pianist

Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast he will play it, approximately.

(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to The William Tell Overtureand not think of The Lone Ranger.

(1931 – ) television newscaster

Xylophone: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long; see also "drums."

On a golf course, Jack had the hands of a violinist; that was fair, because as a violinist, Jack had the hands of a golfer.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

After conducting a concert in a small town, I once received the following note from a farmer who had attended the performance: “Dear Sir, I wish to inform you that the man who played the long thing you pull in and out only did so during the brief periods you were looking at him.”

(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor
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