Subject: Entertainment » Music

Jazz: Music invented by demons for the torture of imbeciles.

(1852 – 1933) author, educator & clergyman

All music is folk music; I ain’t never heard no horse sing a song.

(1901 – 1971) American jazz trumpeter and singer

The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more, but how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist

Anton Bruckner wrote the same symphony nine times, trying to get it just right… he failed.

(1927 – 1989) author, essayist & environmentalist

The musician who invented Swing ought to.

Like two skeletons copulating on a corrugated tin roof.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

There is nothing remarkable about it; all one has to do is to hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.

(1685 – 1750) German composer & musician

Longfellow is to poetry what the barrel-organ is to music.

(1886 – 1963) literary critic, biographer & historian

Accordion: A pleated bagpipe.


(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be?… Riverdance.

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host

We are not used to playing the kind of venues that don't have a drain in the middle of the floor.

(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician

I wrote a song, but I don’t know how to read music, so I don’t know what it is.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Even Bach comes down to the basic suck, blow, suck, suck, blow.

(1914 – 2001) musician, harmonica player

When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Charles Farrar Browne (1834 – 1867) humorist

Jack Benny would end his act by playing a tune on his violin, so naturally he got a big cheer when he finished.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director

Brass bands are all very well in their place – outdoors and several miles away.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

Accordion Music: Noise that comes from playing both ends against the middle.

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