Subject: Entertainment » Music

Real country music is lying on the floor with that bottle of Jack Daniel's by your side 'cause a woman's gone and walked across your heart like a Samoan man in golf shoes.

(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands – and all you can do is scratch it.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments – the very lower bowel of music.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent; they kicked me out for pan-handling.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

The secret of my piano playing is that I always make sure that the lid over the keyboard is open before I start to play.

(1882 – 1951) Austrian composer & pianist

After conducting a concert in a small town, I once received the following note from a farmer who had attended the performance: “Dear Sir, I wish to inform you that the man who played the long thing you pull in and out only did so during the brief periods you were looking at him.

(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor

No… but I have trodden in some.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

Play us a medley of your hit.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together; the public doesn’t give a damn what goes on inbetween.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

Listening to the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for forty-five minutes.

(1900 – 1990) classical composer, teacher, writer & conductor

Let me tell you about Jack's singing voice… it made his violin playing sound good.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Anonymous: Is Ringo the best drummer in the world?

Lennon: He’s not even the best drummer in the band.

(1940 – 1980) English rock musician, singer & songwriter

The opera is like a husband with a foreign title – expensive to support, hard to understand and therefore a supreme social challenge.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist

If you can imagine a man having a vasectomy without anesthetic to the sound of frantic sitar playing, you will have some idea of what popular Turkish music is like.

American author

There are more bad musicians than there is bad music.

(1920 – 2001) Soviet-born violinist & conductor

The problem with women in an orchestra is that if they’re attractive it will upset my players and if they’re not it will upset me.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.

(1821 – 1867) French poet, essayist & art critic

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

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