Subject: Entertainment (Page 5)

Parsifal is the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock; after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20.

American choral conductor, director, teacher & radio host

A body at rest tends to watch television.

I don't make jokes… I just watch the government and report the facts.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Stand-up is a lot like sex… there’s a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian

It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf.

(1889 – 1974) American intellectual, writer, reporter & political commentator

Shouting in the evenings.

(1920 – 1987) English actor

I started my career in kindergarten playing a tube of toothpaste in a hygiene play.

(1945 – ) American actor, director, comedian, producer & author

Playing ‘Bop’ is like ‘Scrabble’ with all the vowels missing.

(1899 – 1974) American composer, pianist & bandleader

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

(1900 – 1969) American drama critic & author

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.

American comedian & writer

When they list the great things of the 20th Century, they’ll say, penicillin, Sophia Loren, jet travel and ESPN.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator

People like to hear me say 'shit' in my gorgeous voice.

(1904 – 2000) English actor, director & producer

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer

My father originated the limbo dance… trying to get into a pay toilet.

(1921 – 1995) American comedian & actor

Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes.

(David John Moore Cornwell) (1931 – ) British author

Television is for appearing on, not looking at.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter

You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? … Take them to a museum and say, “This is art, and you can’t do it.”

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Theatre director: a person engaged by the management to conceal the fact that the players cannot act.

(1877 – 1947) British diarist & critic