Quotes and One Liners
short humorous quotes, jokes, definitions, Murphy's Laws & more
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Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
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The prize on that show: another contestant.
(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian
The Dating Game
Entertainment is a thing of the past, today we’ve got television.
All In the Family
On the TV screen, pure drivel tends to drive off ordinary drivel.
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
Law of Reruns
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
In honor of the late George Carlin, here are seven more words you can't say on TV: "And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget."
(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author
Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless.
(1921 – 2000) comedian, television host, musician, actor & writer
You ever look for the remote control and can’t find it, so you just decide, ‘Ah, it looks like I’m not watching TV.”
(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Motor racing's less of a sport these days than a commercial break doing 150 mph.
Television: A watching machine.
Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer
Television: A means of getting a babysitter so Mom and Dad can get out to the movies.
I love sports; whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio.
(1913 – 2006) 36th U.S. president
Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and then selling your story to TV.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
, an American humor magazine
I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.
American comedian & writer
You might be a redneck if… the Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.
(1912 – 1992) American news journalist
Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
disc jockey, screenwriter & humorist
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die; I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help."
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
cartoon character in
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