Quotes and One Liners
short humorous quotes, jokes, definitions, Murphy's Laws & more
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Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
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You ever look for the remote control and can’t find it, so you just decide, ‘Ah, it looks like I’m not watching TV.”
(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
(1894 – 1956) radio comedian
Entertainment is a thing of the past, today we’ve got television.
All In the Family
ESPN is like your family, it’s always there: the networks are like your mother-in-law… they are there on the weekends.
(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.
(1936 – 2014) American standup comedian, actor & author
I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.
American comedian & writer
Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what
is on TV.
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
(1935 – ) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sometimes cameras and television are good to people and sometimes they aren’t; I don’t know if it’s the way you say it, or how you look.
(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.
Dwight D. 'Ike' Eisenhower
(1890 – 1969) 34th U.S. president, U.S. Army General
Television is for appearing on, not looking at.
(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
My Comedy Channel – Fox News
My News Channel Comedy Central
Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.
(1912 – 1992) American news journalist
Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home.
(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality
TV: a clever contraction, derived from the words Terrible Vaudeville; we call it a medium, because nothing's well done.
(Aiskowitz) (1899 – 1982) humorist
I don't like sex on television… I keep falling off.
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only new show worth watching will be cancelled.
Jones's First Law of TV Programming
I told them sandwiches.
(1949 – ) American boxing champion
On what he planned on building in an appearance on the TV show "Home Improvement"
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