Quotes and One Liners
humorous one liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
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The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Marriage is like having cable with one channel.
(Nathaniel Stroman) (1963 – ) American actor, voice artist & comedian
Television is like the American toaster, you push the button and the same thing pops up every time.
(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer
I bought a portable cable TV.
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
I think TV is very educational; every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Begathon: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials.
(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician
My Comedy Channel – Fox News
My News Channel Comedy Central
Television: A medium; so called because it is neither rare nor well done.
(1919 – 1962) American comedian, actor & writer
The only new show worth watching will be cancelled.
Jones's First Law of TV Programming
You know you’re getting old when you start watching golf on TV and enjoying it.
(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
Television: A watching machine.
When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
cartoon character in
The program you've been looking forward to all week will be preempted.
Jones's Third Law of TV Programming
If vaudeville had died, television was the box they put it in.
(1928 – 2009) American television writer, playwright, screenwriter & author
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets — unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel… then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
English Channel: The BBC.
It used to be that we in films were the lowest form of art; now we have something to look down on.
(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
There’s nothing but porn on TV these days. I tell you, it makes me so angry, I sit on the end of my bed and shake my fist at it.
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
You might be a redneck if… you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
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