Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Her mother was a cultivated women… she was born in a greenhouse.
(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father; he said he wanted more proof.
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears; what the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark… for hours… and don't move… I'm locking the door now.'
(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.
(1963 – ) American comedian
It’s really hard being a single mom nowadays – which is why I don’t have children.
American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
(1955 – ) cartoonist
(Calvin and Hobbes)
If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.
A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.
(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Parents: The one thing children wear out faster than shoes.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
I learned in my car that I could not have children; it was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.
(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
I love my family, but that is no reason why I need to acknowledge them in public.
(1929 – ) English actress & singer
As Hyacinth Bucket in "Keeping Up Appearances"
The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.
(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist
Infant Prodigies: Young people with highly imaginative parents.
Family Planning: Having all your children while their grandparents are still young enough to be babysitters.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist
I am fond of children (except boys).
(1832 – 1898) English author, mathematician, logician & photographer
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