Subject: Family

Genealogy: An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

(1888 – 1957) English priest & theologian

Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

Never let a child wearing Superman pajamas sleep on the top bunk.

Little League baseball is a good thing ’cause it keeps the parents off the streets, and it keeps the kids out of the house!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

There’s a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there’s a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time; the bad news is – we already have two kids.

comedian

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The Night Dad Went to Jail

[My mother] is the only woman in the world who makes gravy with the Rolaids crushed right into it.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”

My family isn’t really Italian; we’re more like Olive Garden Italian.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

You might be a redneck if… your during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

(1964 – ) American country music singer