Subject: Family

I get those maternal feelings; like when I’m laying on the couch and I can’t reach the remote control.

(1965 – ) American comedian

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Children always take the line of most persistence.


A teen-ager out of sight is like a kite in the clouds; even though you can’t see it you feel the tug on the string.


If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

(1964 – ) American country music singer

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Familiarity breeds contempt… and children.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

(1956 – ) American comedian

There is only one good substitute for the endearments of a sister, and that is the endearments of some other fellow's sister.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

My daughter's tricycle said “Some Assembly Required” … it came in a jar!

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright

Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman

The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.

(John Bloom) (1953 – ) American film critic, writer & actor

You might be a redneck if… your parents met at a family reunion.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Never rely on the glory of the morning or the smiles of your mother-in-law.

I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Genealogist: One who traces your family history back as far as your money will go. 

Children of Progressive Parents admitted only on leads.

The father of the bride should realize he isn’t losing a daughter but gaining a bathroom.

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