Subject: Family

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

Her mother was a cultivated women… she was born in a greenhouse.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father; he said he wanted more proof.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears; what the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark… for hours… and don't move… I'm locking the door now.'

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.

(1963 – ) American comedian

It’s really hard being a single mom nowadays – which is why I don’t have children.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)

If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.


A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

Parents: The one thing children wear out faster than shoes.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

I learned in my car that I could not have children; it was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I love my family, but that is no reason why I need to acknowledge them in public.

(1929 – ) English actress & singer

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist

Infant Prodigies: Young people with highly imaginative parents.

Family Planning: Having all your children while their grandparents are still young enough to be babysitters.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist

I am fond of children (except boys).

(1832 – 1898) English author, mathematician, logician & photographer
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