Subject: Family

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly

Sh*t on my Hands: A Down and Dirty Companion to Early Parenthood

Book Titles Family

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.

Children Family

A gypsy girl sent an email to an [advice columnist] “I am 12 years old and haven’t had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?”

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Family

If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.

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Children Family Fathers Mothers

Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Characteristics Family

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Family Relationships

What ya eat ain't got nuttin' to do with how old ya are. That all depends on your ancestors. It's what they call a matter of heresy.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Family Malaprops

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Family Food/Drink Mothers

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family

[A successful parent is one] who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for his or her own psychoanalysis.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Children Family Parents Success

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Family

All kids are trouble, Edith; and I don’t wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Children Malaprops

Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Children Government Money

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Family Things

My father was a small claims court jester.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Wordplay

Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Activities Family Relationships

Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Children Conflict People

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Children Communication Reading/Writing

I can’t have kids because I have white couches.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Children Family

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Family Money