Subject: Family

As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher

A teen-ager out of sight is like a kite in the clouds; even though you can’t see it you feel the tug on the string.


For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’m from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle; I’m just kidding – I don’t pay child support.

(1975 – ) American comedian, actor & writer

And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Unwed Mother: One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter’s talent for becoming invisible at will.

A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

When you’re a fat kid, you only get to be two things… funny and goalie.

(1980 – ) Canadian writer, comedian & political activist

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor

Life: A span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted, and then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

Don’t be discouraged if your children reject your advice; years later they will offer it to their offspring.

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

(1943 – ) comedian & actor

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese… and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian

I don’t think my family liked me… they put a live teddy bear in my crib.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Help veterans in need with one click. The Veterans Site