Subject: Family

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.

(John Bloom) (1953 – ) American film critic, writer & actor

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I’d be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game.


All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Gifted Children: Unfortunate tykes who lack the good sense to hide their talents from overly ambitious parents.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress

Grandmother: A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

If the baby is happy, don’t try to make it happier.

I get on very well with my parents, give or take my mother.

English comedian & actor

When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, ‘holds 6-12 pounds’ they’re not kidding!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

We picked out old-fashioned names for our kids; our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. 


Father: An ATM provided by nature.

The Rainforest Site