Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
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Alfred E. Neuman
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My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
As Alvy Singer in “Annie Hall”
You have to remember: the wife has been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces… sometimes the opposite.
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Go away kid, you bother me.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid; there's so many places they can hide."
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
If I was playing third base and my mother rounded third with the winning run, I’d trip her up.
(1906 – 1991) American baseball player, coach & manager
My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.
World War II
The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.
(1927 – ) American cartoonist (Momma)
Out of the mouths of babes come things parents never should have said.
Never let a child wearing Superman pajamas sleep on the top bunk.
My grandmother died having sex… I still cry every time I watch the video.
(Uncle Lar) American comedian
Billy Almon has all of his inlaw and outlaws here this afternoon.
(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
You know who really gives kids a bad name? … Posh and Becks.
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Posh Spice & David Beckham’s children Brooklyn Joseph - Romeo James - Cruz David & Harper Seven
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
(384 BC – 322 BC) Greek philosopher
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor & comedian
The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in peace and quiet.
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor
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