Subject: Family

Nepotism: A form of favoritism – relatively speaking.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman

[My mother] is the only woman in the world who makes gravy with the Rolaids crushed right into it.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I get those maternal feelings; like when I’m laying on the couch and I can’t reach the remote control.

(1965 – ) American comedian

Teaching wasn’t that bad – except for the kids.


Never raise your hands to your kids… it leaves your groin unprotected.

(1919 – 2006) American comedian & actor

Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies, and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.

My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it.

(1908 – 1999) English writer

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot… but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

An adolescent doesn’t always know where he’s going; only that he isn’t there.


With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.

(1974 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & television host

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage; Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I would like to give these kids a good home; in fact, there’s one a few miles away from here…

(1957 – 2008) American comedian & actor

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian