Subject: Family

My father was a small claims court jester.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’ll be spending the holidays with my family; nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time; the bad news is – we already have two kids.

comedian

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

(1903 – 1998) American pediatrician & author

Of all the people whom I have studied, from city dwellers to cliff dwellers, I always find that at least 50 percent would prefer to have at least one jungle between themselves and their mothers-in-law.

(1901 – 1978) anthropologist

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will sometimes produce bizarre behavior… and I’m not talking about the kids.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Distant relatives are the best kind, and the further the better.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia; let them walk to school like I did!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

I love my family, but that is no reason why I need to acknowledge them in public.

(1929 – ) English actress & singer

It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.

(1824 – 1895) French writer

There is no reciprocity; men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.

Anna Haycraft (1932 – 2005) English writer & essayist

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child’s parent or grandparent.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Trying to get a little kid dressed is like gift-wrapping an octopus.

American writer

All television is children's television.

advertising expert & editor