Subject: Family

I’m a sensitive guy; I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

You might be a redneck if… your child’s first words are “Attention Kmart shoppers!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.

They’re all mine…. of course, I’d trade any one of them for a dishwasher.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, ‘holds 6-12 pounds’ they’re not kidding!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I know how to do anything — I’m a mom.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

With the birth of a child you lose two novels.

(1955 – ) Scottish writer

An ugly baby is a very nasty object – and the prettiest is frightful.

(1819 – 1901) English monarch of the United Kingdom

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us

It’s a mystery of parenthood that your son can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to stray, worm-riddled dogs, share a piece of re-chewed gum from a kid with bronchitis and pick his nose and eat it on a regular basis, yet won’t sit next to his sister because of ‘Girl Germs.’

(1958 – ) Australian author

There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

Father: A guy who is working his child’s way through college.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Raised by two mothers? … Wow, most of us barely survive one.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Maybe that's all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place.

(1975 – ) actor, director, screenwriter & producer

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host

Of all the people whom I have studied, from city dwellers to cliff dwellers, I always find that at least 50 percent would prefer to have at least one jungle between themselves and their mothers-in-law.

(1901 – 1978) anthropologist

Cambridge is the kind of place where you can walk into a children’s bookstore and find a self-help section.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor

My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances.

British-Asian comedian

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer













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