Subject: Family

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

Teaching wasn’t that bad – except for the kids.

comedian

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory… an empty gin bottle.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Because you are feeding both the child and the floor, raising this child will be expensive.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

I love all my children… I’m delighted to see them come and delighted to see them go.

(1912 – 2002) English novelist

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

(1814 – 1882) American clergyman

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers; we haven’t spoken since.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I’ve been here eight months and have been in two earthquakes, a race riot, floods and fires, and I left New York because I couldn’t handle my mother.

comedian & television writer

My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time; the bad news is – we already have two kids.

comedian

Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A teen-ager out of sight is like a kite in the clouds; even though you can’t see it you feel the tug on the string.

writer

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist