Subject: Family

My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You have to remember: the wife has been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces… sometimes the opposite.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Go away kid, you bother me.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid; there's so many places they can hide."

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If I was playing third base and my mother rounded third with the winning run, I’d trip her up.

(1906 – 1991) American baseball player, coach & manager

My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.


The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.

(1927 – ) American cartoonist (Momma)

Out of the mouths of babes come things parents never should have said.

Never let a child wearing Superman pajamas sleep on the top bunk.

My grandmother died having sex… I still cry every time I watch the video.

(Uncle Lar) American comedian

Billy Almon has all of his inlaw and outlaws here this afternoon.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer

You know who really gives kids a bad name? … Posh and Becks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

(384 BC – 322 BC) Greek philosopher

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor & comedian

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in peace and quiet.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor
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