Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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My son is 21… he’ll be 22 if I let him.
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
(1924 – 1987) American novelist, writer, playwright, poet & civil rights activist
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Wednesday… play with your food!
(1951 – ) American actress & director
As Morticia Addams in the film “The Addams Family”
A child of five would understand this; send someone to fetch a child of five.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Ironic how you can’t get kids out of their beds in the morning but you can’t get them into their beds at night.
(1958 – ) Australian author
All kids are trouble, Edith; and I don’t wanna spend my
years trying to raise another one.
All In the Family
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.
Nursing Mother Principle
When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.
Princess of Wales
While in late pregnancy
When you wake up one day and say, “You know what? I don’t think I ever need to sleep or have sex again.” … congratulations, you’re ready (to have children).
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.
(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor
It’s really hard being a single mom nowadays – which is why I don’t have children.
American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.
(1907 – 1987) American journalist & author
On his teenage son
Youth is stranger than fiction.
For the parent of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into innings.
(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Any man that has never seen a baby emerge from another person’s body will walk around for months just going, ‘Oh my God; what else don’t I know about Planet Earth?’
(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Birthday parties always end in tears.
Richman's Inevitables of Parenthood III
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