Subject: Family » Children

My son is 21… he’ll be 22 if I let him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.

(1924 – 1987) American novelist, writer, playwright, poet & civil rights activist

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Wednesday… play with your food!

(1951 – ) American actress & director

A child of five would understand this; send someone to fetch a child of five.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Ironic how you can’t get kids out of their beds in the morning but you can’t get them into their beds at night.

(1958 – ) Australian author

All kids are trouble, Edith; and I don’t wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.

When you wake up one day and say, “You know what? I don’t think I ever need to sleep or have sex again.” … congratulations, you’re ready (to have children).

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor

It’s really hard being a single mom nowadays – which is why I don’t have children.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress

To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.

(1907 – 1987) American journalist & author

Youth is stranger than fiction.


For the parent of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into innings.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist

Any man that has never seen a baby emerge from another person’s body will walk around for months just going, ‘Oh my God; what else don’t I know about Planet Earth?’

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist

Birthday parties always end in tears.

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