Subject: Family » Children

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.

(1924 – 1987) American novelist, writer, playwright, poet & civil rights activist

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I would like to give these kids a good home; in fact, there’s one a few miles away from here…

(1957 – 2008) American comedian & actor

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

(1959 – ) American comedian

My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

How to Traumatize Your Children

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault

With the birth of a child you lose two novels.

(1955 – ) Scottish writer

Whatever is on the floor will wind up in your baby’s mouth; whatever is in your baby’s mouth will wind up on the floor.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.

All kids are trouble, Edith; and I don’t wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

We've had bad luck with our kids… they've all grown up.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist

Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

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