Subject: Family » Children

The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

Monsters Eat Whiny Children

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

(1857 – 1938) American lawyer

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

If men had to have babies, they would only ever have one each.

All kids are trouble, Edith; and I don’t wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I actually adopted a baby; I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies, and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.

Does [life] begin at conception, or does it begin when the baby is an embryo? … anybody with children knows [it] don’t begin ’til they can pay their own damn bills.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.

Kids are wonderful… I like mine barbecued.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Time moves slower in a fast moving vehicle.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor