Subject: Family » Children

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.

To me life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My wife and I are discussing whether we’re going to spank our child or not; I say wait ’til she does something wrong.

American comedian

My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn’t have to pay the extra fifty cents the adults had to pay.

(1947 – ) basketball player, coach & actor

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist

I love all my children… I’m delighted to see them come and delighted to see them go.

(1912 – 2002) English novelist

Smack your child every day; if you don’t know why – he does.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

Can I Sit on Your Lap While You’re Pooping?

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I had an advantage – I slept with his mother.

(1923 – 2001) American football coach

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

(1857 – 1938) American lawyer

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

(1908 – 1976) publisher & author

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