Subject: Family » Fathers

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church; and every Sunday I lie and say: “Sorry. Wrong Number.”

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

One time, my own father caught me watching a porno movie… the one thing you don’t want to hear in that situation is, ‘Son, move over.’

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

My old man… I told him I'm tired of running around in circles… so he nailed my other foot to the floor.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me, “Son…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist

My dad drives so slow that when we’re on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.

comedian

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.

(1974 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & television host

I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I have never been jealous; not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive.

(1967 – ) English comedian

You might be a redneck if… you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course – ’cause he’s Japanese.

comedian

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”  He said, “I don’t know kid; there’s so many places they can hide.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat… I might be failing as a father.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The Night Dad Went to Jail