Subject: Family » Fathers

The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist

All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.


One day my father took me aside… and left me there.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor

You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive.

(1967 – ) English comedian

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

A father is a banker provided by nature.

My old man… I told him I'm tired of running around in circles… so he nailed my other foot to the floor.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Father: An ATM provided by nature.

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat… I might be failing as a father.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

Father: A guy who is working his child’s way through college.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had… so he sent me to a girls school.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

Dad taught me everything I know; unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.

(1962 – ) American race car driver

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