Subject: Family » Fathers

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Fathers Food/Drink

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Religion

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had… so he sent me to a girls school.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Education Fathers School

My father was a small claims court jester.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Wordplay

You might be a redneck if… you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Fathers People Rednecks

My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Family Fathers

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill – “He wants his mother.”

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Fathers Mothers

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Marriage Religion

You might be a redneck if… your dad’s cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Fathers People Rednecks

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Situations

The worst misfortune that can happen to an ordinary man is to have an extraordinary father.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
Family Fathers Situations

Once on my birthday my ol’ man gave me a bat; the first day I played with it, it flew away.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Family Fathers

One time, my own father caught me watching a porno movie… the one thing you don’t want to hear in that situation is, ‘Son, move over.’

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Entertainment Family Fathers Sex

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Occupations Work

I have a gold watch he [my father] sold to me on his deathbed; I wrote him a check for it… post-dated of course.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Death Family Fathers

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.

(1974 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & television host
Family Fathers

Father: A guy who is working his child’s way through college.

Definitions Family Fathers

If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Death Family Fathers Misspokements Situations Travel

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Autos Conflict Fathers Fights Things

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Family Fathers Religion

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly