Subject: Family (Page 4)

My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family TV/Movie Quotes

The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.

(1927 – ) American cartoonist (Momma)
Children Family Travel

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Family Things Young

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Family Work

You might be a redneck if… your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Education Family Fathers People Rednecks School

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.

Age Children Family Learning

Except that right-side-up is best, there is not much to learn about holding a baby.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Children Family People Travel

You don’t know what love is ’til you become a parent and fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone, then have to act positive about it.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Children Emotions Family Love

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

(1908 – 1976) publisher & author
Age Children Old People

Whatever is on the floor will wind up in your baby’s mouth; whatever is in your baby’s mouth will wind up on the floor.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers Self

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children Family Learning

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Family Proverbs Relationships

Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime.

(1913 – 1997) American comedian & radio & television host
Children Family

Heredity: The thing a child gets from the other side of the family.

writer
Definitions Family

Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don’t want to say hi, but you sort of have to because he’s your dad?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Family Fathers

Children in a family are like flowers in a bouquet: there’s always one determined to face in an opposite direction from the way the arranger desires.

writer
Children Family

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Children Communication Misspokements Mothers

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Family

Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault

Book Titles Children

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Children Communication Reading/Writing