Subject: Family (Page 5)

You might be a redneck if… you have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I have never been jealous; not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I had a Jewish delivery; they knock you out with the first pain; they wake you up when the hairdresser shows.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Twits beget twits.

Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

(1888 – 1957) English priest & theologian

Bud, don't be jealous, you're both of our children. It's just that Kelly's our favorite now.

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

A teen-ager out of sight is like a kite in the clouds; even though you can’t see it you feel the tug on the string.

writer

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

Distant relatives are the best kind, and the further the better.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Grandmother: A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You don’t have favorites among your children but you do have allies.

(1975 – ) British novelist

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

Genealogy: An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.

You know how growing up we all had that voice inside our head that tells us we’re not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school.

(1970 – ) American actress

We picked out old-fashioned names for our kids; our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. 

comedian

The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer