Subject: Family » Parents

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

I’m adopted, and I’m glad that my parents were honest enough with me to tell me that I’m adopted, but why every day?

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian

We are the people our parents warned us about.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman

If in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer

I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents; it was on a note, in my room.


Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they’ll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

(1956 – ) American comedian

[A successful parent is one] who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for his or her own psychoanalysis.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

If you’ve never been hated by your child, you’ve never been a parent.

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

(1936 – ) television talk show host

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action… they rented out my room.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I think it’s a good idea; it keeps the parents off the streets.

(1927 – ) professional baseball player & coach

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Parents: People who use the rhythm method of birth control.

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The same parent who tells you it’s time to find yourself will also tell you to get lost.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
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