Subject: Family » Parents

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom

They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted, and then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Life: A span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents.


Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action… they rented out my room.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Whatever a parent does is wrong.

We kept Mommy on a pedestal… it was the only way we could keep Daddy off her. – of life in a family with 12 children

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress

When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author

I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents; it was on a note, in my room.


There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

(1956 – ) American comedian

If in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I get on very well with my parents, give or take my mother.

English comedian & actor

Parents – especially step-parents – are sometimes a bit of a disappointment to their children; they don’t fulfill the promise of their early years.

(1905 – 2000) English writer

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor