Subject: Family » Parents (Page 2)

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will sometimes produce bizarre behavior… and I’m not talking about the kids.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Old Parents

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family Parents Self Understanding

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Family Parents

As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb – and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents

I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents

They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted, and then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Family Parents

They have keys to my house, which is – that’s a mistake… cause they’re supposed to be emergency keys, and their idea of an emergency is to come in and leave me apple juice.

(1960 – ) American actress, stand-up comedian & media personality
Family Parents

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Parents People

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was “Hang up, I got it!”

comedian, writer, actor & producer
Age Children Communication Family Parents Speech Young

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

(1936 – ) television talk show host
Children Family Parents

Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

Definitions Family Parents Wordplay

Parents: People who use the rhythm method of birth control.

Family Parents

My parents are mixed-race… my father prefers the 100 meters… my mom is Pakistani.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Parents

Little League baseball is a good thing ’cause it keeps the parents off the streets, and it keeps the kids out of the house!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Children Parents Sports Yogi-isms

My parents only had one argument in forty-five years; it lasted forty-three years.

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor
Conflict Parents Relationships Time

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age Family Old Parents Places

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Beliefs Children Family Parents Religion

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they’ll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America Children Family Marriage Parents