Subject: Food/Drink

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served nothing but leftovers… the original meal was never found.

(1959 – ) British/American actress, comedian, director, author & screenwriter

You might be a redneck if…… you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Zigzag: The shortest distance between two drinks.

I went to a Chinese restaurant and there was a suggestion box, so I wrote ‘Free Tibet.’

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian

What’d you say, Norm?

Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I don’t wanna die tomorrow knowing that I could have had a piece of chocolate cake tonight.

(1976 – ) American comedian

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Sex is like death… only after death you don’t feel like a pizza.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full; I say, are you going to drink that?

Dinah [Shore] formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.

(1919 – 2006) American comedian & actor

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.


Always drink upstream from the herd.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist Cathy

I practice when I’m loaded.

(1925 – 1985) American jazz saxophonist

You might be a redneck if… you take a six-pack cooler to church.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I like candy canes; they’re my favorite candy… but I only like the white part.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Marge, your cooking only has two moves: Shake and Bake.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Beer: The method of turning grain into urine.

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