Subject: Food/Drink

I didn't climb to the top of the f**kin' food chain to eat carrots.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian

Cookie: A standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.

My first words were ‘Seconds, please.’

(1953 – ) American comedian & television host

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices; you go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Coach: How’s life treating you Norm?

Norm: Like I just ran over its dog.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol… it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

(1946 – 2005) Irish professional football player

Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so, I got a cake.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

(1957 – ) American comedian

The Chinese food in China is not better than the Chinese food here, mostly because of differences of definitions of words that we have – like, for example, 'beef.'

(1960 – ) American comedian

Diet: Something you keep putting off while you keep putting on.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

Is it impossible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee in this country any more?

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian, writer & director

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Alcohol: A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets.

Farkerhouse rolls.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.

(1937 – 2005) journalist & author

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Dieting: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.

Waffle: A pancake with a nonskid tread.













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