Subject: Food/Drink

This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The wonderful world of home appliances now makes it possible to cook indoors with charcoal and outdoors with gas.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie; “Come on ‘long prosperous life!’”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs; then I tasted baby food.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

Diet: selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.

Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.


A biscuit takes up moisture when it goes stale and becomes limp; a cake loses moisture and becomes hard.

They say hot dogs can kill you; how do you know it’s not the bun?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Tofu is made of soybeans, water, and magnesium chloride.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I practice when I’m loaded.

(1925 – 1985) American jazz saxophonist

The announcement of the disqualification was greeted by booze from the spectators at the pool.

Fields reloading!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out; but I can usually shut her up with cookies.

singer & musician

Put it back in the horse!

(1907 – 1976) American journalist & humorist

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded; trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

(1973 – ) American comedian

As soon as you sit down with a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
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