Quotes and One Liners
humorous one liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
Browse by Subject
Some Popular Authors
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
View All Authors
One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.
(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
If you drop a full can of beer, and remember to rap the top sharply with your knuckle prior to opening, the ensuing gush of foam will be between 89 and 94 percent of the volume that would splatter you if you didn't do a damned thing and went ahead and pulled the top immediately.
Goulden's Axiom of the Bouncing Can
Abstainer: The kind of man you wouldn’t want to drink with even if he did.
George Jean Nathan
(1882 – 1958) drama critic, editor
The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk.
Alben W. Barkley
(1877 – 1956) U.S. vice president & politician
Wine we need for health, and the health we need to drink vodka.
(1938 – 2010) Russian politician
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around, and I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.
(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author
L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.
(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Drinking should be done in the privacy of one’s home, where it’s necessary.
(1921 – ) American actor
As Detective Philip K. Fish in “Barney Miller”
We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.
Megan Anne Mooney
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian
Acute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.
There wasn't a man alive who could drink me into bed!
(1907 – 1982) American journalist, editor & author
My uncle was the town drunk… and we lived in Chicago.
(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
When he buys his ties he has to ask if gin will make them run.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
(1896 – 1940) American author of novels & short stories
Of Ernest Hemingway
I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.
(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Alcohol… enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.
George Bernard Shaw
(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
I try to keep fit; I’ve got these parallel bars at home… I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.
(1954 – ) English comedian writer
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Friend: That drink is slow poison.
Benchley’s reply: So who's in a hurry?
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Drunkenness does not create vice; it merely brings it into view.
Seneca the Elder
(54 BC – 39 AD) Roman orator
Smith to witness: So, you were as drunk as a judge?
Judge (interjecting): You mean as drunk as a lord?
Smith: Yes, My Lord.
(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer
Page 1 of 13
Copyright © Just-One-Liners.com