Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Friend: That drink is slow poison.

Benchley’s reply: So who's in a hurry?

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Almost nobody dances sober, unless they happen to be insane.

(1890 – 1937) author

Hangover: The moaning after the night before.

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.

(1932 – ) American singer

Never buy a drink for the road, because the road is already laid out.

(1933 – 1998) comedian & actor

There definitely needs to be water on the sidelines for these players, but I also had some Gatorade just in case they were allergic to the water or vice versa.

(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor.

(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian

There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink.

(1869 – 1946) American novelist & dramatist

Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist… you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Fields reloading!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer