Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

My father drank beer in the morning; later in the day he drank anything.

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

As soon as they get married, they all get these big old guts on them; that's not from drinking beer – that's from swallowing pride.

stand-up comedian

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started.

(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright

The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off; I shot the happiest 83 of my life.

(1935 – ) Puerto Rican professional golfer

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Rum: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Golfing excellence goes hand in hand with alcohol, as many an Open and Amateur champion has shown.

British golf writer & commentator

I practice when I’m loaded.

(1925 – 1985) American jazz saxophonist

Cliff: Hey, Norm: What’s up?

Norm: My blood-alcohol level.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Drinking should be done in the privacy of one’s home, where it’s necessary.

(1921 – ) American actor

Drunkenness does not create vice; it merely brings it into view.

(54 BC – 39 AD) Roman orator
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