Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

You can't drown yourself in drink… I've tried, you float.

(1882 – 1942) American actor

Pour him out of here!

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

I don’t have a drinking problem, except when I can’t get a drink.

(1949 – ) American singer-songwriter, composer & actor

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes, and I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.

I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started.

(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright

I had the right to remain silent, but I had lost the ability to.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian

You mix two jiggers of scotch with one jigger of Metracal [a diet supplement]; so far, I’ve lost five pounds and my driver’s license.

(1927 – ) professional baseball player & coach

There are two rules for drinking whisky: first, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Now, I’m what you’d call a ‘social drinker,' which means if someone says they’ll have a drink, I say, ‘So shall I.'

American stand-up comedian

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.

Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Hangover: The moaning after the night before.

When he buys his ties he has to ask if gin will make them run.

(1896 – 1940) American author of novels & short stories

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Acute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.

Liquor – you can make it illegal but you can't make it unpopular.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian