Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I had the right to remain silent, but I had lost the ability to.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian

Fields reloading!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

They were persecuted at the turn of the century by the U.S. government – that's right: Prohibition.

comedian, television writer

Now, I’m what you’d call a ‘social drinker,' which means if someone says they’ll have a drink, I say, ‘So shall I.'

American stand-up comedian

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Drinking should be done in the privacy of one’s home, where it’s necessary.

(1921 – ) American actor

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.

(1932 – ) American singer

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Egbert: Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?
Bartender: Yeah.
Egbert: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I’d lost it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew; I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon–and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Hangover: The moaning after the night before.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.

(1937 – 2005) journalist & author

Sam Snead was born with a natural ability to keep his bar bills as low as his golf scores.

(1910 – 1983) professional golfer