Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Angels carry drunkards on their arms.

He has a profound respect for old age… especially when it’s bottled.

(1890 – 1960) journalist, author & dramatist

If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew; I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon… and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You can't fall off the floor.

I don’t have a drinking problem, except when I can’t get a drink.

(1949 – ) American singer-songwriter, composer & actor

Take the juice of two quarts of whisky…

(1904 – 1973) American guitarist & bandleader

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.

Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The French drink to get loosened up for an event, to celebrate and event, and even to recover from an event.

French commission of alcoholism

If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

(1963 – ) television host & comedian

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!

Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

(1902 – 1971) American comedian & singer

We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren’t drinkin’ aren’t hittin’.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

There definitely needs to be water on the sidelines for these players, but I also had some Gatorade just in case they were allergic to the water or vice versa.

(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer
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