Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

Rebecca: You guys, I have my new wedding dress. And now all I need is something old, something borrowed, and something blue.
Carla: How ‘bout Norm’s liver?

(1948 – ) American actress

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

It looks different when you're sober; I thought I had twice as much furniture.

(1927 – ) playwright & screenwriter

If I had to live my life over… I'd live over a saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with it's just compounding the felony.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains.


I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.

I don’t drink, I’m a totalitarian.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk; that will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie;’ he said ‘God beat me to it.’

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My uncle was the town drunk… and we lived in Chicago.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Liquor – you can make it illegal but you can't make it unpopular.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

Woody: What’s up?
Norm: The warranty on my liver.

(1948 – ) American actor

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded; trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & televison host