Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

There are two reasons for drinking: one is when you are thirsty, to cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it.

(1785 – 1866) English novelist & poet

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge; others just gargle.

I practice when I’m loaded.

(1925 – 1985) American jazz saxophonist

I try to keep fit; I’ve got these parallel bars at home… I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.

(1954 – ) English comedian writer

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

I never drink water; I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You can't fall off the floor.

What am I drinking? … NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Not all chemicals are bad; without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Smith to witness: So, you were as drunk as a judge?
Judge (interjecting): You mean as drunk as a lord?
Smith: Yes, My Lord.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk; that will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

(1943 – ) comedian & actor

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Being a Scotsman, I am naturally opposed to water in its undiluted state.

(1870 – 1934) British golf course architect

Fields reloading!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer