Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian

I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.

(1930 – ) American journalist & author

Love makes the world go ‘round? Not at all; whiskey makes it go ‘round twice as fast.

(1883–1972) British writer, cultural commentator & Scottish nationalist

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Lindsay Lohan: Rehab Was a ‘Sobering Experience’

I never drink water; I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

He has a profound respect for old age… especially when it’s bottled.

(1890 – 1960) journalist, author & dramatist

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Friend: That drink is slow poison.

Benchley’s reply: So who's in a hurry?

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.

(450 BC – 388 BC) Greek Athenian comic playwright

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

(1914 – 1953) Welsh-born poet & writer

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist