Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

A study shows breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness… from all the free drinks.

(1962 – ) American actor and talk show host

If you are allergic to alcohol… can you take shots for that?

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

[Tequila] is not even a drink; it’s a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

There definitely needs to be water on the sidelines for these players, but I also had some Gatorade just in case they were allergic to the water or vice versa.

(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer

Take the juice of two quarts of whisky…

(1904 – 1973) American guitarist & bandleader

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

The church is near, but the road is icy; the bar is far away, but I will walk carefully.

I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion.

(1547 – 1616) Spanish novelist, poet & playwright

Never buy a drink for the road, because the road is already laid out.

(1933 – 1998) comedian & actor

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The announcement of the disqualification was greeted by booze from the spectators at the pool.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Put it back in the horse!

(1907 – 1976) American journalist & humorist

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around, and I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
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