Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

There are two rules for drinking whisky: first, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

If you drop a full can of beer, and remember to rap the top sharply with your knuckle prior to opening, the ensuing gush of foam will be between 89 and 94 percent of the volume that would splatter you if you didn't do a damned thing and went ahead and pulled the top immediately.

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian, writer & director

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

(1943 – ) comedian & actor

If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

(1963 – ) television host & comedian

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

One more drink and I'd be under the host.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

There are two reasons for drinking: one is when you are thirsty, to cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it.

(1785 – 1866) English novelist & poet

No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkenness – or so good as drink.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
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