Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

Alcohol killed my first wife… I got home drunk one night and shot her.

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian

Candy, is dandy, but liquor, is quicker.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

(1953 – ) American singer, songwriter, actor, author & radio personality

If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk; that will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist

If Dracula bit Dean [Martin] in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

(1919 – 2006) American comedian & actor

Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains.

author

If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

(1963 – ) television host & comedian

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian

You might be a redneck if… you've ever been too drunk to fish.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The church is near, but the road is icy; the bar is far away, but I will walk carefully.

Drinking should be done in the privacy of one’s home, where it’s necessary.

(1921 – ) American actor

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & televison host

When he buys his ties he has to ask if gin will make them run.

(1896 – 1940) American author of novels & short stories

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer