Quotes and One Liners
humorous one liners, quotes, headlines, proverbs, definitions & more
Browse by Subject
Some Popular Authors
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
George Bernard Shaw
View All Authors
My father drank beer in the morning; later in the day he drank anything.
As Terry McKay in “An Affair to Remember”
I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
As soon as they get married, they all get these big old guts on them; that's not from drinking beer – that's from swallowing pride.
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started.
Brendan Francis Behan
(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright
The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off; I shot the happiest 83 of my life.
'Chi Chi' Rodríguez
(1935 – ) Puerto Rican professional golfer
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.
(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Rum: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Golfing excellence goes hand in hand with alcohol, as many an Open and Amateur champion has shown.
British golf writer & commentator
when I’m loaded.
(1925 – 1985) American jazz saxophonist
When asked how he could play so well when he was loaded
Cliff: Hey, Norm: What’s up?
Norm: My blood-alcohol level.
George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor
As Norm Peterson in “Cheers”
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Drinking should be done in the privacy of one’s home, where it’s necessary.
(1921 – ) American actor
As Detective Philip K. Fish in “Barney Miller”
Drunkenness does not create vice; it merely brings it into view.
Seneca the Elder
(54 BC – 39 AD) Roman orator
Page 1 of 13
Copyright © Just-One-Liners.com