Subject: Food/Drink » Alcohol

I envy people who drink… at least they have something to blame everything on.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Being a Scotsman, I am naturally opposed to water in its undiluted state.

(1870 – 1934) British golf course architect

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host

Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains.

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Several members of our youth department are collecting donations for Operation Graduation. Funds will be used for a drug and alcohol party following graduation on May 29th.

Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains.

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I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Zigzag: The shortest distance between two drinks.

Liquor – you can make it illegal but you can't make it unpopular.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

It looks different when you're sober; I thought I had twice as much furniture.

(1927 – ) playwright & screenwriter

God created alcohol just to stop the Irish from ruling the world.

(1956 – ) English actor

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Drinking should be done in the privacy of one’s home, where it’s necessary.

(1921 – ) American actor

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.

(1940 – 2005) comedian & movie actor