Subject: Food/Drink » Cooking

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

One night she told me to put out the garbage; I told her "you cooked it, you take it out."

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Square meals often make round people.

American entrepreneur & author

The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to.

Gourmet: A food fetishist.

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse; an antler got stuck in my throat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

1. If you're wondering if you took the meat out to thaw, you didn't. 2. If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot plugged in, you did.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or what you wear is a husband who always notices what you cook and what you wear.

Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it only makes it worse.

In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

(1934 – 1996) American astronomer, astrophysicist & author

Don’t you think the road commissioner would be willing to pay my wife something for her recipe for pie crust?

(1872 – 1933) 30th U.S. president

How do you like yer possum… fallin' off the bones tender or with a little fight left in it?

(1902 – 1973) American actress

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed.

While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don’t keep and eye on can make an awful mess on your stove.

(1820 – 1897) Mormon missionary

I’m not going to say my wife can’t cook, but should toast have bones?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Marge, your cooking only has two moves: Shake and Bake.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will.

(1874 – 1963) American poet

Fettuccine Alfredo: Macaroni and cheese for adults.

The wonderful world of home appliances now makes it possible to cook indoors with charcoal and outdoors with gas.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

I don’t even butter my bread… I consider that cooking.

American socialite

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