Subject: Government

Every politician should have been born an orphan and remain a bachelor.

(1912 – 2007) U.S. first lady, wife of Lyndon Johnson

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Law expands in proportion to the resources available for its enforcement.

Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.

(1713 – 1784) French philosopher, art critic & writer

You might be a redneck if… ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there is a law against it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Dan Quayle deserves to be Vice President like Elvis deserved his black belt in karate.

(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality

Forever poised between a cliche and an indiscretion.

(1894 – 1986) British prime minister

Judge: Are you trying to show contempt for this court, Mr Smith?

Smith: No, My Lord. I am attempting to conceal it.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer

I like how on cop cars, “To protect and serve” is in quotes, like they're being sarcastic.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer

When I need a little advice about Saddam Hussein, I turn to country music.

(1924 – ) 41st U.S. president

Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.

It says something about the Republican field that the new #1 candidate used to run the nation's #8 pizza chain.

(1958 – ) American writer, comedian, satirist & actor

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

Often times people ask me, 'Why is it that you're so focused on helping the hungry and diseased in strange parts of the world?'

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they’re gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer; but me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience.

(1963 – ) American comedian

Fleas can be taught nearly anything a congressman can.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites; these are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top.

(1909 – 1995) American journalist

An Iranian moderate is one that has run out of ammunition.

(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar

It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth.

(1961 – 1994) comedian

It takes nerve to be a Democrat, but it takes money to be a Republican.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator