Subject: Government » Law

Hey folks, I’ll admit it — I didn’t vote; I didn’t like any of those bastards enough to risk jury duty.


Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I'm not an ambulance chaser; I'm usually there before the ambulance.

(1907 – 1996) American attorney

Liquor – you can make it illegal but you can't make it unpopular.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

If you have the facts on your side, hammer the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer the law. If you have neither the facts nor the law, hammer the table.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday; I tell them, a paternity suit.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I would much prefer to be a judge than a coal miner because of the absence of falling coal.

(1937 – 1995) English satirist, writer & comedian

These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder.

(1943 – ) American television journalist & author

Time is money, especially when you are talking to a lawyer or buying a commercial.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor

It’s better to be tried by twelve men than to be carried by six.

[John] Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous; and then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

Scooter Libby was found guilty of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements… or, as the White House calls it, a press conference.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

(1927 – ) American comedian

It is impossible to tell where the law stops and justice begins.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

The scariest guy in prison is the white guy… because he's guilty.

American comedian

All lawyers are cut from the same cloth: fleece.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Master of the Rolls: Really, Mr Smith, do give this Court credit for some little intelligence.

Smith: That is the mistake I made in the Court below, My Lord.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer

We still… cannot catch Osama bin Laden, but we nailed Martha Stewart's ass to the wall.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor

The first thing we do, let’s kill the lawyers.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet