Subject: Health

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

comedian

I told my doctor, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills” and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

What do we want? — A cure for dyslexia.
When do we want it? — Own.

(1954 – ) English comedian writer

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

You don’t get ulcers from what you eat; you get them from what’s eating you.

(1888 – 1960) Austrian writer

Keep paying the electricity bill.

We drink to one another’s health, and spoil our own.

(1859 – 1927) English writer

I recently became a Christian Scientist; it was the only health plan I could afford.

American actress, comedian, writer & musician

Healthy is just a precancerous condition.

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian

Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.

There would never be any public agreement among doctors if they did not agree to agree on the main point of the doctor being always on the right.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.

(1932 – 2014) American singer

I just hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I am tired of walking 5Ks.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I feel like death eatin’ a soda cracker.

I got food poisoning today… I don’t know when I’ll use it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Sooner or later, the lame, the halt, and the blind all seek refuge with us.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter