Subject: Health

I had amnesia… once or twice.


The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appointment.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others; he gave me one with four cavities.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When you don’t have any money, the problem is food; when you have money, it’s sex; when you have both, it’s health.

(1926 – ) Irish American novelist & playwright

A study shows breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness… from all the free drinks.

(1962 – ) American actor and talk show host

I’m constipated, couldn’t give a shit.

American comedian

The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appointment.

You might be a redneck if… you have used a bar stool as a walker.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

(1875 – 1965) German/French theologian, organist, philosopher, physician & medical missionary

Did God who gave us flowers and trees

Also provide the allergies?

(1898 – 1981) American song lyricist

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The vet says the dog will not lick the salve because the salve tastes bad to the dog… hello?… he's already licking his ass.

(1960 – ) American comedian

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I was nauseous and tingly all over… I was either in love or I had smallpox.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system.

(1961 – ) 44th U.S. president

I’m fairly certain that the only reason I was born crippled was because God knew I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to become a stripper.

American comedian

Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Never say “oops” while your patient is conscious.

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
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