Subject: Health

I recently became a Christian Scientist; it was the only health plan I could afford.

American actress, comedian, writer & musician

“Herbal medicine’s been around for thousands of years!” … and then we tested it all, and the stuff that worked became ‘medicine’… and the rest of it is just a nice bowl of soup and some potpourri.

(1972 – ) Irish comedian & television presenter

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay, but here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist

Time may be a great healer, but’s it’s a lousy beautician.

Money cannot buy health, but I'll settle for a diamond studded wheelchair.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?


A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job… especially if you’ve got hay fever.

(1964 – ) English comedian

As I understand President Bush's Medicare plan, it provides for unlimited coverage for anyone over 72 whose parents can pass the physical.

(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian

Internship: A sleepless ordeal imposed on young M.D.’s for the purpose of weeding out the weak and infirm among them, and eroding the health of the survivors sufficiently to ensure better empathy in the years to come.

What do you mean, heart attack? … You’ve got to have a heart before you can have an attack.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others; he gave me one with four cavities.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

… having too much collateral in your blood.

Doctor: Someone who practices medicine but charges as if he knew.

Diagnosis: A physician’s forecast of the disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.

Do you think that suppository is gonna be safe from me there, Edith?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Most Doctors Agree Breathing Regularly is Good for You

The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist has learned how to live with it.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
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