Subject: Health

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
Beliefs Health Religion

Urinalysis: The study of pissed off people.

Definitions Health Wordplay

Psychiatrists: People with the same problems as anyone else, but with an accent.

Definitions Doctors Health

There is still no cure for the common birthday.

(1921 – ) U.S. senator (Ohio) Marine Corps pilot & astronaut
Age Health Old

A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Communication Health Speech

Both of my children had the chicken pops when they were young.

Health Malaprops

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Clothing Family Health

Germs attack people where they're weakest – which is why there are so many head colds.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health Intelligence

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

(1920 – 2000) American actor
Death Doctors Health Money

VD: The gift that keeps on giving.

Definitions Health

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… well, it's killing me!

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Activities Health

Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health Insults Places

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Age Health

I have the woman-flu, which is like the manflu but worse because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less.

Danish comedian
Health Men People Women

I feel like death eatin’ a soda cracker.

Expressions Health

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Doctors Health

I occasionally get love sick…well, they call it chlamydia.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Doctors Men

My doctor gave me two weeks to live… I hope they're in August.

comedian
Death Doctors Health

You know, the only difference between me and a surgeon or a pediatrician is that when I approach a couple with a child and say, ‘I’d like to keep him for a few days and do some bloodwork,’ it’s considered inappropriate.

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Doctors Entertainment Health

I don’t want to say the wait was long, but the guy in front of me was being treated for a musket wound.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
Health Time