Subject: Health » Doctors

If a patient dies, the doctor killed him, but if he gets well, the saints have saved him.

Doctor, feel my purse.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

The kind of doctor I want is one who when he's not examining me is home studying medicine.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places; he told me to keep out of those places.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Four hundred bucks an hour for being sort of nice to sad people.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice actor

Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.

After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why doctors wear masks in the operating room.

Somewhere in the world is… the world’s worst doctor… and he could be yours.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably your doctor getting sick.

Hospitals Resort To Hiring Doctors

Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean “your guess is as good as mine.”

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I told my doctor, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills” and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist has learned how to live with it.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

Pediatrician: Man of little patients.

Doctors bury their mistakes, but mine are still on scholarship.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach

Psychiatrist: A head coach.

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