Subject: Health » Doctors

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

A man walked into the doctor’s; the doctor said, ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time.' … The man replied, ‘I know, I’ve been ill.'

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Doctors bury their mistakes, but mine are still on scholarship.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach

[to the doctor] How about what I done for you in the bottle there? Ya know, the eulogy test.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Cold: An ailment cured in two weeks with a doctor’s care, and in fourteen days without it.

Columnist Gets Urologist In Trouble With His Peers

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year… then I'm going to Lourdes.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who considered his work important.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

This is one of the healthiest X-rays I’ve ever seen… but if we compare that with yours…

(1972 – ) Scottish comedian

One finger in the throat and one in the rectum makes a good diagnostician.

(1849 – 1919) Canadian physician

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor

A rule of thumb in the matter of medical advice is to take everything any doctor says with a grain of aspirin.

Hippocritical oath.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there’s a funeral.

(1927 – ) playwright & screenwriter

I told my doctor, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills” and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”

(1940 – ) American basketball coach

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

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