Subject: Health » Doctors

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Folies Bergeres and looks at the audience.

(1913 – 1995) British Anglican Bishop

Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

… expensive care

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Dermatologist: Person who makes rash judgments.

Somewhere in the world is… the world’s worst doctor… and he could be yours.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Orthodox: Bone doctors.

[to the doctor] How about what I done for you in the bottle there? Ya know, the eulogy test.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I used to believe that chiropractors where charlatans, but then I went to one, and now I stand corrected.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.

Doctor: The only man who hasn’t a guaranteed cure for a cold.

When I was a kid I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood and one time we got caught… luckily, it was a Wednesday and we were just playing golf.


Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Optometrist: A person you have to see.

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Doctor: Someone who practices medicine but charges as if he knew.


television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
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