Subject: Health » Doctors

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax… you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

When I was a kid I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood and one time we got caught… luckily, it was a Wednesday and we were just playing golf.


Psychiatrist: A head coach.

I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old age.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

If a patient dies, the doctor killed him, but if he gets well, the saints have saved him.

There would never be any public agreement among doctors if they did not agree to agree on the main point of the doctor being always on the right.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

If your time ain't come, not even a doctor can kill you.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look… twins!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

This is one of the healthiest X-rays I’ve ever seen… but if we compare that with yours…

(1972 – ) Scottish comedian

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Cured yesterday of my disease, I died last night of my physician.

(1664 – 1721) English poet & diplomat

There are more old drunkards than old doctors.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why doctors wear masks in the operating room.

He’s a fool that makes his doctor his heir.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better; but don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably your doctor getting sick.

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