Subject: Health » Doctors

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor

Half a psychiatrist's patients see him because they are married – the other half because they're not.

(1905 –1998) American author

I used to believe that chiropractors where charlatans, but then I went to one, and now I stand corrected.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there’s a funeral.

(1927 – ) playwright & screenwriter

A rule of thumb in the matter of medical advice is to take everything any doctor says with a grain of aspirin.

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Osteopath: A man who works his fingers to your bones.

I got the bill for my surgery; now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer

Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.

He’s a fool that makes his doctor his heir.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I’m ugly and he told me to lay on the couch… face down!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately; ring the nearest golf course.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I told my doctor, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills” and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The psychiatrist’s office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot; finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach

If a patient dies, the doctor killed him, but if he gets well, the saints have saved him.

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

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