Subject: Health » Doctors (Page 5)

We may lay down a maxim, that when a nation abounds in physicians it grows thin of people.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Doctors bury their mistakes, but mine are still on scholarship.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach

I got the bill for my surgery; now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer

Doctor, feel my purse.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably your doctor getting sick.

Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there’s a funeral.

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter

You know, the only difference between me and a surgeon or a pediatrician is that when I approach a couple with a child and say, ‘I’d like to keep him for a few days and do some bloodwork,’ it’s considered inappropriate.

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

There are more old drunkards than old doctors.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Orthodox: Bone doctors.

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

(1920 – 2000) American actor

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look… twins!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician