Subject: Health » Doctors (Page 5)

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Never say “oops” while your patient is conscious.

Doctor: A guy who tells you if you don’t cut out something he’ll cut something out of you.

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”

(1940 – ) American basketball coach

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places; he told me to keep out of those places.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Chiropractor: A doctor who works his fingers to the bone… yours.

Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.

The psychiatrist’s office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Cured yesterday of my disease, I died last night of my physician.

(1664 – 1721) English poet & diplomat

The doctor demands his fees whether he has killed the illness or the patient.

The doctor is to be feared more than the disease.

Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.

Four hundred bucks an hour for being sort of nice to sad people.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice actor

I got the bill for my surgery; now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer

Most Doctors Agree Breathing Regularly is Good for You

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

There are only two sorts of doctors: those who practice with their brains, and those who practice with their tongues.

(1849 – 1919) Canadian physician

Cold: An ailment cured in two weeks with a doctor’s care, and in fourteen days without it.

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The kind of doctor I want is one who when he's not examining me is home studying medicine.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist