Subject: Health (Page 2)

The vet says the dog will not lick the salve because the salve tastes bad to the dog… hello?… he's already licking his ass.

(1960 – ) American comedian

Flies spread disease – keep yours zipped.

public speaker & teacher

Healthy is just a precancerous condition.

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian

Down Home Gynecology

Germs attack people where they're weakest – which is why there are so many head colds.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

(1927 – 2004) American comedian & actor

Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

My cholesterol count has a comma.

(1964 – 2014) American actor, Broadway performer & stand-up comedian

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

(1903 – 1998) American pediatrician & author

Just imagine what he’ll be like when senility kicks in… if it hasn’t already.

English former football player & manager

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Go to the gyropractor and get fixed?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

When I was a kid I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood and one time we got caught… luckily, it was a Wednesday and we were just playing golf.

comedian

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

If you have s stomach ache, in France you get a suppository, in Germany a health spa, in the United States they cut your stomach open and in Britain they put you on a waiting list.

(1955 – ) English politician

Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply quit in disgust.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist

Doctors told me that if my uncle had lived, he most likely would have been a vegetarian.

I’d have to get better just to die.

I did not fully understand the dread term 'terminal illness' until I saw Heathrow Airport for myself.

(1935 – 1994) English writer