Subject: Health (Page 24)

The English find ill-health not only interesting but respectable and often experience death in the effort to avoid a fuss.

(1908 – 1967) English novelist
England Health People Places

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Family Fathers Health

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… well, it's killing me!

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Activities Health

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called “Suffering From a Mental Illness.”

(1975 – ) blogger
Health Housework

Liposuction: A surgical procedure from which the patient emerges significantly lighter in both pounds and dollars.

Appearance Body Definitions Health

Hypochondriac: Someone who enjoys bad health.

Definitions Health

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

I have Bright's Disease… and he has mine.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Health Wordplay

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults

I was nauseous and tingly all over… I was either in love or I had smallpox.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Health Love

The rate of hospital admissions responds to bed availability; if we insist on installing more beds, they will tend to get filled.

Health Murphy’s Laws

I had amnesia… once or twice.


Health Memory

After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why doctors wear masks in the operating room.

Doctors Health

It's this disease that only white girls catch from glamour magazines.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Health

You know you have it when you can’t think of anything that’s your own fault.

Health Murphy’s Laws

He was recently diagnosed with prostrate cancer.

Health Malaprops

Life is an incurable condition: the only known treatment is to try to keep the patient comfortable.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Health Life

If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

(1931 – 1995) American baseball player
Age Health Old

A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Communication Health Speech

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Sex Situations

 I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4½ minutes – when they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Baseball Death Health Sports