Subject: Hollywood Squares

Hollywood Squares:

The best lines from the television show "Hollywood Squares"

Peter Marshall: Under the right circumstances, could a 100-year-old man father a child?

Paul Lynde: With a nurse and maybe a mortician standing by.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What should you do if you’re going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?

Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall:  According to Amy Vanderbilt, what is the maximum length of time you and your fiancé should be engaged?

Rose Marie: Engaged in what?

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: Lawrence Welk says that as a teenager, he promised his father he would work hard on their farm for four years, his Daddy would loan him the money to buy something few boys ever get. What?

Paul Lynde: A champagne lady.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: If you’re eating a convenience store hot dog, is it better for you if the weiner is smooth or if it’s wrinkled?

Raquel Welch: Well, I mostly know about smooth ones…

(1940 – ) American actress

Peter Marshall: If you want to know if a plastic surgeon is really qualified, who should you check with?

Paul Lynde: Tony Randall.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In a very famous movie who said, “God, what a dump?”

Paul Lynde: Dumbo.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I love you?”

Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

(1911 – 1993) American actor

Peter Marshall: You’re in an airplane and you’ve developed engine trouble. What do you traditionally say over the radio?

Buddy Hackett: What the (bleep) am I doing here?

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is it possible to drink too much water?

Paul Lynde: Yes, it’s called drowning!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes?

Paul Lynde: When your house is surrounded by the police.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Charles, how many balls would you expect to find on a billiard table?

Charley Weaver: How many guys are playing?

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?

Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, can you get anything you’ve always wanted in Heaven, if you didn’t get it on Earth?

Charley Weaver: Yes, but there’s an extra charge for the whitewalls.  

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… in Sweden, a person can get an instant divorce?

Paul Lynde: Yes, from poisoned meatballs.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What state is known as The Granite State?

Morey Amsterdam: The Granite State? That’s where the famous man said “Just because your head is made of marble, don’t take everything for granite.”

(1908 – 1996) actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: In The Wizard Of Oz, the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?

Paul Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?

Paul Lynde: No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to PhotoPlay magazine, in their courting days before Frank Sinatra was successful, Nancy used to send him a glove with something in each finger. What?

Paul Lynde: Soup.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?

Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the Mister Yuk sticker meant to be put on?

Paul Lynde: Oh, motel bedspreads

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
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