Subject: Hollywood Squares

Hollywood Squares:

The best lines from the television show "Hollywood Squares"

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Johnny Carson’s ex-wife Joanne, after the divorce, he sent her a copy of a best-selling book. Which one?

Paul Lynde: Shaft!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall:  According to Shakespeare, what acquaints a man with strange bedfellows?

George Gobel:  The tall dude in the purple hat. 

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?

Paul Lynde: Yes, it sleeps four.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Fred Astaire says, his mother has been trying to get him to do this since he was 35. But he hasn’t done it and says he won’t do it until he’s ready. Do what?

Paul Lynde: Move out of the house!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Why do people refer to ships as “she?”

Charlie Weaver: Because both have round bottoms.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Lawrence Welk says that as a teenager, he promised his father he would work hard on their farm for four years, his Daddy would loan him the money to buy something few boys ever get. What?

Paul Lynde: A champagne lady.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: Is it okay to freeze mushrooms?

Rose Marie: What else do I have to do, Pete? 

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: At the end of the movie The Planet of the Apes, what does Charlton Heston see that makes him realize that he is actually in New York City?

Paul Lynde: A Puerto Rican.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

John Davidson: What state was originally divided into three sections?

Joan Rivers: Raymond Burr.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?

Paul Lynde: An engagement ring.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?

Charlie Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts, you put some egg white on your face, leave it on for two minutes, and then rinse with cool water. If you've been successful, what's gone?

Rose Marie: The egg white.

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: Queen Elizabeth generally swings her umbrella behind her back, and immediately, something happens. What?

Paul Lynde: Lord Snowden doubles up in pain.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… the Pope believes the Vatican might be bugged?

George Gobel: And he also believes that 18 minutes of the new testament are missing.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You’re a 71-year-old man who has lost interest in sex. Does your doctor have anything to help you?

Charley Weaver: No, but his nurse does.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: What is the definition of the word “Gobbledygook?”

George Gobel: That’s the stuff that crusts over in turkeys’ eyes when they’re asleep. 

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment?

Paul Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Who was known as “Old Blood and Guts?”

Paul Lynde: Barbara Stanwyck.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
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