Subject: Hollywood Squares

Hollywood Squares:

The best lines from the television show "Hollywood Squares"

Peter Marshall:  You are a senior citizen and during the night while you are asleep, your heart beats 50 times per minute.  Is there something wrong with you?

Charley Weaver:  Well, let's put it this way.  Could you ask me Friday's questions today?

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he’s married?

Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: Right after Trigger died, what did Roy Rogers announce he would do?

Paul Lynde: Dismount.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to experts, can you have a one-second dream?

Harvey Korman: Well sure, but I always ask for some of my money back.

(1927 – 2008) American comedic actor

Peter Marshall: According to a recent article in the Miami Herald, at age 78, is Groucho Marx still interested in sex?

Charley Weaver: Yes, but he’s forgotten the secret word. 

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to flag ettiquette, how does a woman show her respect for the American flag? 

George Gobel: She picks up a sailor.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In the movie Camelot, Sir Lancelot is called on to perform a miracle.  What is the miracle?

Charley Weaver: The miracle is to make the movie a hit.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

John Davidson: A Russian man has just shown you his “balalaika.” What has he shown you?

Jim J. Bullock: Why he’s not so popular with the party girls.

(1955 – ) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to an article in the Dayton Daily News, it’s the most universal reaction in men after they’ve gotten their divorce. What is it?

George Gobel: Relief.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to The Cosmo Girl’s Book Of Ettiquette, what does Helen Gurley Brown say you should put in your bra to attract men?

George Gobel: A copy of Sports Illustrated.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to legend, what one thing was Noah’s wife not willing to do?

George Gobel: Sunbathe amongst the anteaters.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell ‘Man overboard!’ What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?

Paul Lynde: Full speed ahead!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Compton’s Encyclopedia, when Columbus returned from his famous trip, he brought Queen Isabella six naked savages, some animals, some plants, and something valuable. What was it?

Paul Lynde: I’ll say the six naked savages.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: One Frenchman in seven makes his living making something. Making what?

George Gobel: Making love to the lady tourists.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What are “dual purpose” cattle good for that other cattle aren’t?

Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies… but I don’t recommend the cookies!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can you catch a cold from your dog?

Wally Cox: Not anymore.  I don’t have my dog.

(1924 – 1973) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Where would you be most likely to find climbing clematis?

Wally Cox: Right now, you’d be most likely to find him in jail.

(1924 – 1973) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall:  Is it possible to housebreak an elephant?

George Gobel:  Yes, but don’t try it during a newspaper strike.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Ann Landers recently wrote a book titled “How To Tell The Difference Between Love And…” what?

Paul Lynde: A kidney infection.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall:  Paul, where at any one time will you find one quarter of the earth's population?

Paul Lynde: Crossing the Rio Grande.  (He pronounced it "Gran-dee," with emphasis on the first syllable)

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor