Subject: Hollywood Squares

Hollywood Squares:

The best lines from the television show "Hollywood Squares"

Peter Marshall: At the end of the movie The Planet of the Apes, what does Charlton Heston see that makes him realize that he is actually in New York City?

Paul Lynde: A Puerto Rican.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can Jewish boys get into Boys’ Town?

David Brenner: No, but we can own it.

(1936 – 2014) American standup comedian, actor & author

Peter Marshall: According to a recent article in the Miami Herald, at age 78, is Groucho Marx still interested in sex?

Charley Weaver: Yes, but he’s forgotten the secret word. 

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Howard Cosell’s wife recently said in an interview that her husband tells her this at least five times a day. What does he say to her?

Paul Lynde: Is my toupee back from the cleaners?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme “Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater had a wife and couldn’t keep her”. Where did he finally put her?

Steve Rossi: I think in a sanitarium.

(1928 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What is the most popular place in America that people want to visit?

George Gobel:  It’s right down the hall, to the right and has a sign on the door.  

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall:  Do rosey cheeks always mean good health?

Charley Weaver: Not if you're sitting on a radiator!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

John Davidson: A Russian man has just shown you his “balalaika.” What has he shown you?

Jim J. Bullock: Why he’s not so popular with the party girls.

(1955 – ) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You are leaving Hawaii by boat. Legend says that you’ll return if you do something. Do what?

Paul Lynde: I guess have Don Ho’s baby.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the name of the small musical intrument shaped like a triangle?

Paul Lynde: Connie Stevens.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, “Dinah (Shore)’s in top form. I’ve never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a…” A what?

Paul Lynde: A headboard.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I love you?”

Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

(1911 – 1993) American actor

Peter Marshall: Who never rises for the bride and groom?

Paul Lynde: Ironside.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?

Paul Lynde: An engagement ring.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?

Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Robert Young recently stated, “I never, never give…” something to his fans who ask for it. What?

Paul Lynde: A hysterectomy.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false… studies show that women in their sixties have a more intense craving for physical romance than when they were in their forties…

Paul Lynde: Well, that's tough!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall:  George, does Elizabeth Taylor smoke?

George Gobel:  She has one cigarette after every meal, which amounts to… two packs a day.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?

Paul Lynde: Heredity!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor calls it ‘the Big One,’ What is it?

Paul Lynde: They both look the same to me!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor