Subject: Hollywood Squares

Hollywood Squares:

The best lines from the television show "Hollywood Squares"

Peter Marshall: Is using an electric vibrating machine a good way to lose weight?

Paul Lynde: That’s what I told the saleslady, but she just winked.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your date’s had a great shock, now she’s fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?

Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: If a women becomes pregnant while employed, is she now entitled to six weeks maternity leave?

Paul Lynde: Only if the baby resembles the boss.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: Bruce, you’re the most popular fruit in America. What are you?

Bruce Vilanch: Humbled.

(1948 – ) American comedy writer, songwriter & actor

Peter Marshall: Don, True or false… there’s now a club in California that will allow you to sign up for obscene phone calls.
Rose Marie: Peter, get us that number!
Don Knotts:  Well…you found us out!

(1924 – 2006) American comedic actor

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, who was found in a basket among the bulrushes?

Paul Lynde: Colonel Sanders.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall:  Paul, where at any one time will you find one quarter of the earth's population?

Paul Lynde: Crossing the Rio Grande.  (He pronounced it "Gran-dee," with emphasis on the first syllable)

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

John Davidson: In folklore, what do you call the child of a fairy?

Joan Rivers: Adopted.  

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encyclopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant?

Paul Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: If you see your dog chewing on the grass in your backyard, is that a sign that he’s not feeling well?

Morey Amsterdam: It’s a sign that he doesn’t like the grass in the backyard.

(1908 – 1996) actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Robert Young recently stated, “I never, never give…” something to his fans who ask for it. What?

Paul Lynde: A hysterectomy.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, what did Little Bo Peep’s sheep leave behind them?

Paul Lynde: Well, Simple Simon thought they were bread crumbs!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Playboy Magazine recently published a book by billionaire J. Paul Getty called, “How To …” How to what?

Paul Lynde: How To Treat Oily Skin.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What’s the one thing you should never do in bed?

Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Compton’s Encyclopedia, when Columbus returned from his famous trip, he brought Queen Isabella six naked savages, some animals, some plants, and something valuable. What was it?

Paul Lynde: I’ll say the six naked savages.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: If you’re eating a convenience store hot dog, is it better for you if the weiner is smooth or if it’s wrinkled?

Raquel Welch: Well, I mostly know about smooth ones…

(1940 – ) American actress

Peter Marshall: Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?

Paul Lynde: An engagement ring.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

John Davidson: An editor of The Youth’s Companion wrote this and you’ve probably said this hundreds of times. What?

Rose Marie: Your place or mine!

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: The great writer George Bernard Shaw once wrote, 'It's such a wonderful thing, what a crime to waste it on children.' What is it?

Paul Lynde: A whipping.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You’re a 71-year-old man who has lost interest in sex. Does your doctor have anything to help you?

Charley Weaver: No, but his nurse does.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: In Greek mythology, what would the god Morpheus do to you while you were asleep?

Paul Lynde: I don’t know, but I got an enchanted hickie.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor