Quotes and One Liners

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to an old song, you should “Wrap all your troubles in…” What?
George Gobel: Furs… and tell her to stop calling your house!

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Imagine you are a child in your mother’s womb, can you detect light?
Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Flip Wilson has said that he’s eaten about 2,000 of them and enjoyed them immensely. To what was he referring?
Paul Lynde: Missionaries

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Don, True or false… there’s now a club in California that will allow you to sign up for obscene phone calls.
Rose Marie: Peter, get us that number!
Don Knotts: Well…you found us out!

Don Knotts

(1924 – 2006) American comedic actor

Peter Marshall: Tommy Smothers and President George Washington share a common outstanding physical trait that's very noticeable and unique. What is it?
Charley Weaver: They both have wooden teeth.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to legend, what one thing was Noah’s wife not willing to do?
George Gobel: Sunbathe amongst the anteaters.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

John Davidson: What did Noah finally do at the age of 952?
Joan Rivers: Paid for his daughter’s wedding.

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King David asked beautiful and wise Abigail to do something after her first husband died. What?
Paul Lynde: Get him out of the room.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your bird has a temperature of 150 degrees. Will he live?
Charley Weaver: Gee, I hope not. My dinner guests will be here in a couple of minutes.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… in Sweden, a person can get an instant divorce?
Paul Lynde: Yes, from poisoned meatballs.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: How many movies has Vincent Price been in?
Paul Lynde: You mean, how many good movies?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It’s not easy to sign a crew up for six months…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… cow’s horns are used to make ice cream.
Paul Lynde: You mean those weren’t chocolate chips?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to The Cosmo Girl’s Book Of Ettiquette, what does Helen Gurley Brown say you should put in your bra to attract men?
George Gobel: A copy of Sports Illustrated.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What is the definition of the word “Gobbledygook?”
George Gobel: That’s the stuff that crusts over in turkeys’ eyes when they’re asleep.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What should you do if your parakeet has a temperature of 112 degrees?
Paul Lynde: Baste him!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What famous story begins with the discovery of magic beans?
Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Paul, is it true that lightning once fused a man’s zipper shut?
Paul Lynde: Yes, it was God’s way telling him to slow down.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the celebrated Masters & Johnson, there are about four or five thousand places offering sex therapy in America today. Now do they feel that most of them are doing a really good job?
George Gobel: Well, not the ones where you don't have to leave your car.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What should you do if you’re going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?
Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor