Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

John Davidson: What state was originally divided into three sections?
Joan Rivers: Raymond Burr.

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: Who are Mark Trail, Steve Roper and Tank McNamara?
Paul Lynde: Oh, you found my address book!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness, lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what?
Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: If the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman were to have a baby, would it be a bionic baby?
George Gobel: Yes, but it would require three doctors, a ground crew and a disposable net.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Who was known as “Old Blood and Guts?”
Paul Lynde: Barbara Stanwyck.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, True or false… occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover?
Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to The People’s Almanac, what do they call it when one person is engaged in kissing, fondling, and caressing with another person?
George Gobel: In show business, we call it an interview.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is “Do Your Best?”
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false – drinking can make you hard of hearing.
Charley Weaver: What?

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… according to the Bible, you are a sinner?
Paul Lynde: As long as they spelled my name right.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: A recent navy picture had Admiral Zumwalt kissing Admiral Duirk. Why?
Paul Lynde: Too long at sea!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy growing strawberries!

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… there is a Catholic parish in Las Vegas that holds services in a topless discotheque?
George Gobel: Yes, and there's a sign that says "Do not tip or touch the choir."

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What do most dentists say you should do with your dentures when you go to bed?
Charlie Weaver: Out at the home, we throw them into the center of the room and have a swap party.

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it “our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world.” What is it?
Paul Lynde: Pampers.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, who was famous for saying, “On King, on huskies?”
Paul Lynde: Queen Mary.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: George, does Elizabeth Taylor smoke?
George Gobel: She has one cigarette after every meal, which amounts to… two packs a day.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your sheep has a temperature of 102. Is she normal?
Burt Reynolds: People think I’m not normal because I keep taking her temperature.

Burt Reynolds

(1936 – 2018) American actor

Peter Marshall: Julie Nixon Eisenhower recently told reporters “You don’t know what a relief it is not to worry about having them around all the time!.” What are “they?”
Paul Lynde: Mom and Dad.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor