Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
He looks like the guy in a science fiction movie who is the first to see the “Creature."
(1933 – 2011) American comedian, imitator of famous political figures
On Gerald Ford
The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
(1925 – 2005) television host
He is racist, he's homophobic, he's xenophobic and he's a sexist; he's the perfect Republican candidate.
(1940 – ) talk radio host, political commentator and author
About Pat Buchanan
Few things can be less tempting or dangerous than a Greek woman of the age of thirty.
(1789–1844) British traveller & author
… as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had been starved to death.
(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Ridiculing Stephen Douglas's "Freeport doctrine”
She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.
(1895 – 1956) Armenian essayist, novelist, playwright, & scriptwriter
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
(1973 – ) American comedian
A real Centaur: part man, part horse's ass.
(1893 – 1971) American statesman & lawyer
On Lyndon Johnson
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitch folk.
(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist
Bette [Davis] and I are good friends; there's nothing I wouldn't say to her face – both of them.
(1903 – 1968) movie actress
I never liked him and I always will.
An idiot child screaming in a hospital.
(1866 – 1946) English author
On George Bernard Shaw
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
As Mr. Hammer in “The Cocoanuts”
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
I’d wring your neck… if you had one.
(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
To Claudette Colbert
He is able to turn an unplotted, unworkable manuscript into an unplotted and unworkable manuscript with a lot of sex.
About Harold Robbins
I may not know much, but I know chicken shit from chicken salad.
(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president
On a speech by Richard Nixon
He sang like a hinge.
(1908 – 1984) American actress & singer
About Cole Porter
A singer: You know, my dear, I insured my voice for fifty thousand dollars. Hopkins: That’s wonderful; and what did you do with the money?
(1902 – 1972) American actress
We’ve been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
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