Subject: Insults

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Many people are skeptical about the marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley; they say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit-at-home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet

Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can't dress.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

… you're so crooked that if you swallowed a nail you'd shit a corkscrew.

(1898 – 1979) British military commander

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything; that points clearly to a political career.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist

Like all self-made men he worships his creator.

Woman: I need shoes.

Al: Blacksmith's right around the corner.

(1946 – ) American actor

A retail mind in a wholesale business.

(1863 – 1945) British politician & statesman

Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

She was divinely, hysterically, insanely malevolent.

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater

People say satire is dead; it's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

It appears that not even the heat of ridicule can weaken Rosie O'Donnell's steely resolve to make an idiot of herself.

(1969 – ) American columnist & author

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

(1901 – 1983) American film & television actor

He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom.

(1942 – ) Swedish actress

Presley sounded like Jayne Mansfield looked – blowsy and loud and low.

(1959 – ) English writer & columnist

He has so much brain and so little beauty.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit

Oh my God, look at you; anyone else hurt in the accident?

(1926 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day.

(1904 – 1980) English photographer, interior, stage & costume designer
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