Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Many people are skeptical about the marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley; they say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit-at-home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian
The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.
(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet
Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can't dress.
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
… you're so crooked that if you swallowed a nail you'd shit a corkscrew.
(1898 – 1979) British military commander
To Louis Mountbatten
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything; that points clearly to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw
(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.
(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Like all self-made men he worships his creator.
Woman: I need shoes.
Al: Blacksmith's right around the corner.
(1946 – ) American actor
As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”
A retail mind in a wholesale business.
David Lloyd George
(1863 – 1945) British politician & statesman
On Neville Chamberlain
Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
She was divinely, hysterically, insanely malevolent.
(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
About Theda Bara
People say satire is dead; it's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
It appears that not even the heat of ridicule can weaken Rosie O'Donnell's steely resolve to make an idiot of herself.
(1969 – ) American columnist & author
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
(1901 – 1983) American film & television actor
He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom.
(1942 – ) Swedish actress
About Rod Stewart
Presley sounded like Jayne Mansfield looked – blowsy and loud and low.
(1959 – ) English writer & columnist
He has so much brain and so little beauty.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
(1884 – 1980) author & wit
On President William Taft
Oh my God, look at you; anyone else hurt in the accident?
(1926 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
To Ernest Borgnine
She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day.
Cecil Walter Hardy Beaton
(1904 – 1980) English photographer, interior, stage & costume designer
About Katherine Hepburn
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