Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
(1862 – 1960) English writer
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
(1894 – 1963) English writer
(also Edgar Wallace)
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
(1875 – 1965) German/French theologian, organist, philosopher, physician & medical missionary
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice; one day, he took me aside and left me there.
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? … I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Common sense is not so common.
(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get into office.
(1874 – 1963) American poet
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
John Maynard Keynes
(1883 – 1946) English economist
The way I see it… If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you’re doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.
(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.
(1887 – 1964) English biographer, critic, novelist & poet
I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
He is so stupid you can't trust him with an idea.
(1902 – 1968) novelist
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.
(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.
(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.
(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
He] had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo.
(1948 – ) English novelist
The sane appear as strange to the mad as the mad to the sane.
(1933 – 1967) English playwright
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