Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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He couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the C and the T.
Thomas ‘Hollywood’ Henderson
On Terry Bradshaw’s intellect
Common sense is not so common.
(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
He’s a fool that makes his doctor his heir.
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.
(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.
(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating.
George W. Bush
(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
He only had one idea and that was wrong.
(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author
About Arthur James Balfour
If there is a substitute for brains it has to be silence.
If his IQ slips any lower, we’ll have to water him twice a day.
(1944 – 2007) newspaper columnist, political commentator, humorist & author
On a Texas politician
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that He did not also limit his stupidity.
(1876 – 1967) German statesman
What a waste it is to lose one's mind; or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
You’re not too smart, are you? I like that in a man.
(1954 – ) American actress
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
(1948 – ) English novelist
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
I had to go back to New York recently for a family reunion… I walk in there, I look at everyone, and I think: 'I'm getting my tubes tied; that's it; the tree ends here.'
American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor
You know how your friends are all morons, and they got the stories wrong all the time?… it’s the same here with the Bible.
(1960 – ) American stand-up comedian & writer
Some people fish in the Sea of Life without bait.
Grandma Soderquist's Rumination
Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.
(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
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