Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
View All Authors
Humorous, ironic, satirical or just plain odd last words
Don't pull down the blinds. I feel fine. I want the sunlight to greet me!
(1895 – 1926) Italian actor & early pop icon
God will forgive me. It is his profession.
(1797 – 1856) German critic & poet
You know, I don't mind dying. The thing that pisses me off is that I won't get to be an old man. I was looking forward to that.
(1928 – 1994) American actor
I am just going outside. I may be some time.
Captain Lawrence ‘Titus’ Oates
(1880 – 1912) English Antarctic explorer
While suffering from frostbite and aware his ill health was compromising his three companions' chances of survival –he voluntarily left the tent; it was his 32nd birthday. He was never seen again.
It has all been very interesting.
Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
(1689 – 1762) English aristocrat & writer
Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub.
(1887 – 1979) American businessman & founder of the Hilton Hotels
When asked if he had any last words of wisdom
You guys doin' that right?
Stanley Tookie Williams
(1953 – 2005) American co-founder of the Crips, a notorious street gang, convicted robber & murderer
Said to his executioners who appeared to be having trouble operating the machinery.
Relax… this won't hurt.
Hunter S. Thompson
(1937 – 2005) journalist & author
This was the final sentence on his suicide note.
I leave life so that I can walk into history.
Getúlio Dornelles Vargas
(1882 – 1954) Brazilian dictator & democratically elected President
In a suicide letter
I want nothing but death.
(1775 – 1817) English novelist
In response to her sister who had asked her if she wanted something
I'd rather be fishing.
(c.1962 – 1987) American convicted murderer
Before his execution in a Louisiana electric chair
Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.
(1877 – 1959) English theatre & film actor
When asked if he thought dying was tough
Now comes the mystery.
Henry Ward Beecher
(1813 – 1887) American clergyman, social reformer & abolitionist
Take away those pillows. I shall need them no more.
(1832 – 1898) English author, mathematician, logician & photographer
Sorry for saying f**k.
1941 – 1989) English comedian, physician, writer & actor (Monty Python)
To a nurse who accidentally stuck a needle in his arm shortly before he died
Now why did I do that?
General William Erskine
(1728 – 1795) British Army commander
Said after he jumped from a window in Lisbon Portugal in 1813.
Where is my clock?
(1904 – 1989) Spanish surrealist painter
Everything is an illusion.
(1876 – 1917) Dutch exotic dancer, courtesan & accused spy
Spoken to a visitor before she faced a firing squad
I'll sleep well tonight.
(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist
He died of a cerebral hemorrhage.
Don't make a mess of it – shoot straight, you bastards.
Harry 'Breaker' Morant
(1864 – 1902) Anglo-Australian drover, horseman, poet & soldier
Morant was courtmartialed and executed by the British – charged with killing Boer prisoners.
Let's be wild tonight.
(1920 – 1939) Finnish actress
Sari died by falling down a chimney during a party. She and one of the men went up to the roof of the hotel and mistook a chimney for a scenery balcony – climbed up and fell into a heating boiler.
Page 1 of 11
Copyright © Just-One-Liners.com