Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Humorous, ironic, satirical or just plain odd last words
I think you're right, Wyatt. I can't see a god damn thing.
(1851 – 1882) younger brother of Deputy U.S. Marshals Virgil & Wyatt Earp
Agreeing with Wyatt’s belief there is no life after death.
It's beating – beating – beating – it's stopped.
Albrecht von Haller
(1708 – 1777) was a Swiss anatomist, physiologist, naturalist & poet
Monitoring his pulse
Now I'm oiled. Keep me from the rats.
(1492 – 1556) Italian author, playwright, poet & satirist
A fit of laughter provoked a stroke and Aretino was unconscious when a priest administered last rites. No sooner had he finished when Aretino opened his eyes and spoke his final lines and expired.
Curtain! Fast music! Light! Ready for the last finale! Great! The show looks good, the show looks good!
Florenz Ziegfeld Jr.
(1867 – 1932) American Broadway impresario
Hurrah for anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life.
(1836 – 1887) German born anarchist & labor union activist
Shouted before his execution at the gallows
I feel nothing except a certain difficulty in continuing to exist.
Bernard Le Bovier de Fontenelle
(1657 – 1757) French author
(c.1902 – 1941) British gangster
Said when famed executioner Albert Pierrepoint put the noose on his neck.
(1884 – 1962) diplomat & reformer & first lady
Spoken to the nurse who told her she would die when the reason God put her on earth was fulfilled
Now I can cross the Shifting Sands.
L. Frank Baum
(1856 – 1919) American author including (The Wonderful Wizard of Oz)
Referring to the impassable desert surrounding the Land of Oz
I will not go down to posterity talking bad grammar.
(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author
Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!
(1818 – 1883) German philosopher, economist, sociologist & socialist
To his housekeeper
We all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer. The poor get it in the winter.
William ‘Bat’ Masterson
(1853 – 1921) American buffalo hunter, U.S. Marshal, Army scout, gambler, frontier lawman & newspaperman
I have to set my pillows one more night… when will this end already?
(1783 – 1859) American author, essayist, biographer & historian
Said to his niece as he readied himself for bed – whereupon he suffered a stroke and collapsed.
Gents, this is an educational project. You are about to witness the damaging effect electricity has on Wood.
Frederick Charles Wood
(? – 1963) convicted murderer
Before his electrocution
I'll sleep well tonight.
(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist
He died of a cerebral hemorrhage.
This is how you die.
(1883 – 1971) French fashion designer & founder of the Chanel brand
That was a great game of golf, fellas.
(1902 – 1977) American singer & actor
He died of a massive heart attack on the green after a round of 18 holes of golf. His physician had advised him to only play nine holes because of his heart condition.
Is it safe?
(1824-1856) doctor & convicted multiple murderer
Before stepping on the gallows trapdoor
My work is done, why wait?
(1854 – 1932) American innovator & founder of Eastman Kodak
Written in his suicide letter
Waiting, are they? Waiting, are they? Well, let 'em wait!
(1738 – 1789) American farmer, businessman, writer, politician & patriot
Stated after Allen was shot and a doctor told him "General I fear that the angels are waiting for you."
Subject of dispute
God will forgive me. It is his profession.
(1797 – 1856) German critic & poet
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