Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Do well and you will have no need for ancestors.
(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.
(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
(1933 – 1998) comedian & actor
Cost of living
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele… should be fun… and to stop taking my clothes off for money.
(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
This isn’t life in the fast lane, it’s life in the oncoming traffic.
(1948 – ) English novelist
In a perfect world, a fair world, Bob Hayes should be forced to carry a small calf on his shoulder when he runs the dashes…Mark Spitz, in all fairness, would swim with a sea anchor…[and] Ella Fitzgerald must sing every note with a mouth full of Tootsie Rolls.
(1919 – ) American sportswriter
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older… little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life.
(1956 – ) American comedian
Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
(1894 – 1985) British fiction writer
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
Hunter S. Thompson
(1937 – 2005) journalist & author
I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Rest of my life
When I grow up I want to be a little boy.
(1923 – 1999) American satirical novelist, short story writer & playwright
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer
I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.
(1942 – ) English physicist
Life: Coming into the world wit nothing, leaving with nothing and, in between, giving everything to the IRS.
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
(1907 – 1973) poet & critic
It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
W. Somerset Maugham
(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
I think I am, therefore I am… I think.
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Give me immortality or death.
Nick de Jongh
Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.
(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
I ordered a wake-up call the other day – the phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the heck are you doing with your life?’
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