Subject: Life

The reports on human progress are beginning to come in, and some are a little discouraging.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? … in that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

All the rudiments of success in life can be found in ironing a pair of trousers.

British boxing champion

Aren’t I lucky, to have survived so much bad luck.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

(1857 – 1938) American lawyer

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing… if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The four stages of a man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence.

(1912 – 2010) Canadian-born American radio & television personality & humorist

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened.

(1533 – 1592) French writer

Life is pleasant, death is peaceful; it’s the transition that’s troublesome.

(1920 – 1992) American science and science fiction author & professor

If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted on men, he would kill himself.

(1824 – 1895) French writer

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

The two most important things in life are good friends and a strong bullpen.

professional baseball player & manager

Life is a zoo in a jungle.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Immortality – a fate worse than death.

I can take reality in small doses, but not as a life style.

(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer

I’d rather die while I’m living then live while I’m dead.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered when they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

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