Subject: Marriage

A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil; she wants to see what she is getting.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist

Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle.

(1885 – 1968) American writer

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

Divorce: Going through a change of wife.

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking…,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

American actor & comedian

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Alimony: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.

Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

All of the troubles that some people have in life is that which they married into.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

I was the best man at the wedding; if I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

It's clear to see who makes the pants here.

It was an arranged marriage, put together by drugs and alcohol.

American comedian & television host

I don't think I'll get married again; every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

Sex drive—a physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer

If you haven’t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven’t seen her smile her prettiest.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

One of my favorite oxymorons is engagement party.

writer, website creator
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