Subject: Marriage

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian

Here's to our wives and sweethearts – may they never meet.

(1863 – 1915) American actor

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they’ll fill out tons of paperwork.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

Middle Age: When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her.

There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate his wife.

(1903 – 1987 diplomat, playwright, journalist & politician

Bigamist: A man who keeps two himself.

One time I went to a hotel; I asked the bellhop to handle my bag; he felt up my wife!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy; one is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Marriage is the death of hope.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’d go to the end of the world for my husband; of course, if he’d just stop and ask directions, I wouldn’t have to.

American author, speaker & comedy writer

Al, when I married you for richer or poorer, I thought we'd try one and then the other and then choose. I think we've gone just about as far as we can go with the first one.

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

I first met the wife in a tunnel of love… she was digging it.

(1931 – 1993) English comedian

It's clear to see who makes the pants here.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist

I don't care if she doesn't know how to cook – so long as she doesn't know a good lawyer.

(1909 – 1959) Australian-born American actor

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
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