Subject: Marriage

Gay people should be allowed to get married; just because somebody’s gay doesn’t mean he shouldn’t suffer like the rest of us.

comedian

My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she can fit into your wife's clothes.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Here's to our wives and sweethearts – may they never meet.

(1863 – 1915) American actor

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

If you would like to get your wife’s attention – just look comfortable!.

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

I used to have a speech impediment, but we got divorced.

(1926 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Lockhorns)

After three years of marriage, there are some questions I'd like to ask my wife… little things like, 'Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair?

comedian & actor

I’ve never won an argument with her; and the only times I thought I had, I found out the argument wasn’t over yet.

(1924 – ) 39th U.S. president & humanitarian

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.

My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, ‘pregnant.'

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian

How many husbands have I had?… do you mean apart from my own?

(1917 – ) Hungarian-born American actress

The trouble with being best man is, you don’t get a chance to prove it

(1938 – ) Australian poet & critic

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

(1958 – ) standup comedian, actor, game show host & photographer

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

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