Quotes and One Liners
humorous quotations, expressions, proverbs, headlines & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
View All Authors
Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.
(1818 – 1885) humorist
We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.
Megan Anne Mooney
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian
Here's to our wives and sweethearts – may they never meet.
(1863 – 1915) American actor
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they’ll fill out tons of paperwork.
(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Middle Age: When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her.
There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate his wife.
Clare Booth Luce
(1903 – 1987 diplomat, playwright, journalist & politician
Bigamist: A man who keeps two himself.
One time I went to a hotel; I asked the bellhop to handle my bag; he felt up my wife!
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Murphy's First Law for Wives
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy; one is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
Marriage is the death of hope.
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
I’d go to the end of the world for my husband; of course, if he’d just stop and ask directions, I wouldn’t have to.
American author, speaker & comedy writer
On men not asking for directions
Al, when I married you for richer or poorer, I thought we'd try one and then the other and then choose. I think we've gone just about as far as we can go with the first one.
(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter
As Peg Bundy in “Married With Children”
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
I first met the wife in a tunnel of love… she was digging it.
(1931 – 1993) English comedian
It's clear to see who
makes the pants
Wears the pants in the family
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted.
(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
I don't care if she doesn't know how to cook – so long as she doesn't know a good lawyer.
(1909 – 1959) Australian-born American actor
On an ideal wife
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
Page 1 of 34
Copyright © Just-One-Liners.com