Subject: Marriage

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

My boyfriend and I broke up; he wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Marriage is a triumph of habit over hate.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

I was the best man at the wedding; if I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Bigamist: A man who who has had one too many.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You have to remember: the wife has been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces… sometimes the opposite.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Altar: Place where a man loses control of himself.

Spouse: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

(1948 – 1990) comedian

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

My ex-wife is going to hell on a scholarship.

American comedian

Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else’s position.

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

Bigamy is the only crime on the books where two rites make a wrong.

Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.

You want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
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