Subject: Marriage

Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle.

(1885 – 1968) American writer

Horse sense is what prevents a woman from becoming a nag.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor

Even in civilized mankind, faint traces of monogamous instinct can be perceived.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.

(1924 – 2008) American actress

To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.

(1788 – 1860) German philosopher

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

(1942 – ) American boxing champion

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband; how about short and cheap?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

It's better to have loved and lost, then have to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.

comedian

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

From Here To Maternity

It's clear to see who makes the pants here.

After five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.

(1957 – ) American comedian

Whatever arrangement you make for the division of household duties, your husband's job will be easier.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy: first, let her think she's having her own way, and second, let her have it.

(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

(1799 – 1850) French novelist & playwright

The dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage, so we get married.

(1903 – 1974) English intellectual, literary critic & writer

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer













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