Subject: Marriage

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar… a practice that still continues.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Bigamist: A man who who has had one too many.

I'm not upset about my divorce; I'm only upset I'm not a widow.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

I thought when I was 41, I would be married with kids… well, to be honest I thought I would be married with weekend access.

(1965 – ) British-Irish comedian, writer & actor

I think we explored the further reaches of “for better or for worse.”

(1944 – ) British scientist

A husband always prefers his wife’s mother-in-law to his own.

I used to have a speech impediment, but we got divorced.

(1926 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Lockhorns)

My wife gets all the money I make… I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

My wife donates money to the homeless and I donate money to the topless.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

I’ve been married to one Marxist and one fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.

(1927 – ) American actress

Elton Takes David Up the Aisle

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce; we decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If… you have never contemplated suicide… you’ve never truly been in love; if… you have never contemplated murder…you’ve never been divorced.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

Groom: Least important member of wedding party, whose only duties are to show up on time, remember the ring, and try not to be drunk.

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