Subject: Marriage

Half a psychiatrist's patients see him because they are married – the other half because they're not.

(1905 –1998) American author

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Vanessa: You have no class, Thornton, and I am tired of it! I want a divorce.

Melon: Divorce. I knew we had something in common.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the happy wish to be married, the married wish to be dead.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife's clothes.

(1864 – 1930) Scottish whisky distiller

How it Works: The Wife

Whoever came up with ice fishing must have had the worst marriage on the planet.

(1953 – ) American comedian & writer

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician

If you think your marriage is perfect, you’re probably still at your reception.

American author, speaker & comedy writer

Bigamy is having one wife too many; monogamy is the same.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

‘I am’ is the shortest sentence in the English Language; ‘I do’ is the longest.

Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death.

(1963 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, screenwriter & film producer

Georgie got engaged the way other people got haircuts; it was just something he did every few months whether he needed to or not.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Two mothers-in-law.

(1832 – 1900) Irish statesman

Marriage is bliss… Ignorance is bliss… Ergo…

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

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