Subject: Marriage

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

(1942 – ) American boxing champion

If you think your marriage is perfect, you’re probably still at your reception.

(1951 – ) American author, playwright & lyricist

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

Canadian-American comedian & writer

One good husband is worth two good wives for the scarcer things are, the more they’re valued.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Don’t marry a man to reform him; that’s what reform schools are for.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages; you get married, and every night, it’s the same sex.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

After a while, marriage is a sibling relationship – marked by occasional and rather regrettable, episodes of incest.

(1949 – ) English novelist

Whatever arrangement you make for the division of household duties, your husband's job will be easier.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer

Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.

(1960 – ) English actor

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction.

(Sholem Naumovich Rabinovich) (1859 – 1916) Jewish author & humorist

The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.


Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they’ll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

As soon as they get married, they all get these big old guts on them; that's not from drinking beer – that's from swallowing pride.

stand-up comedian

One time I went to a hotel; I asked the bellhop to handle my bag; he felt up my wife!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she’s a householder.

(1897 – 1975) American author & playwright

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.

(1749 – 1832) German writer & statesman