Subject: Marriage

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand; she lit it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I think that after the third marriage Georgie tried to claim his divorce attorney as a dependent.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I’d like to marry a nice domesticated homosexual with a fetish for wiping down Formica and different vacuum-cleaner attachments.

(1960 – ) English comedian, novelist & actress

The girl who marries for money may find herself in debt for life.


Bachelor: A man who can get out of bed from either side.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

It was an arranged marriage, put together by drugs and alcohol.

American comedian & television host

FREE TO GOOD HOME – Beautiful 6 mo. old male kitten — orange & caramel tabby, playful, friendly very affectionate, ideal for family w/ kids. OR Handsome 32 yr. old husband – personable, funny, good job, but doesn't like cats. Says he goes or cat goes. Call Jennifer 265-…. — come see both and decide which you'd like.

The longest sentence you can form with two words is “I do.”

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Don’t over-analyze your marriage; it’s like yanking up a fragile indoor plant every 20 minutes to see how its roots are growing.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian

All women marry beneath them.

You might be a redneck if… you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

What was I thinking when I said “I do”? I’d already had sex with her; I didn’t need that again.

(1946 – ) American actor

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the happy wish to be married, the married wish to be dead.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist

There's a new Playboy for married men – and it has the same centerfold every month.

(1959 – ) American comedian, actress & singer

When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night… for other men.


Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.

(1780 – 1832) English cleric, writer & collector

The Hunger Site