Subject: Marriage

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer

A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A fool and his money are soon married.

(1862 – 1942) American author & poet

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

Insurance is like marriage – you pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.

(1946 – ) American actor

Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!

Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.

(1942 – 1999) American actress

Marriage is bliss… Ignorance is bliss… Ergo…

Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

It was an arranged marriage, put together by drugs and alcohol.

American comedian & television host

You want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

(1942 – ) American boxing champion

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives; the first one left me and the second one didn’t.

(1956 – ) English actor

The girl who marries for money may find herself in debt for life.


I am so against [gay marriage] because all my gay friends are out and if they get married, it will cost a fortune in gifts.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
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