Subject: Marriage » Husbands

Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they’re gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer; but me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience.

(1963 – ) American comedian

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.

(1958 – ) Australian author

I never married because there was no need: I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband – I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

(1855 – 1924) English writer

Whatever arrangement you make for the division of household duties, your husband's job will be easier.

Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

If you run into an old girlfriend – no matter how innocently – your wife will know about it before you get home.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

(1948 – ) English novelist

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

I know not which lives more unnatural lives, obeying husbands, or commanding wives.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

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Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do… but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix’ that's why he's never worked.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or what you wear is a husband who always notices what you cook and what you wear.

The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
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