Subject: Marriage » Husbands

When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it done.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other – so now it’s just a waiting game.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian & game show host

I understand that many newlyweds are vacationing here (Niagara Falls)… I suppose seeing the falls was their second biggest disappointment.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate his wife.

(1903 – 1987 diplomat, playwright, journalist & politician

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

Why do men die before their wives? … Could it be because they want to?

(1967 – ) English comedian

The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Husband: Someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

You might be a redneck if… you work with a shirt off… and so does your husband.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or what you wear is a husband who always notices what you cook and what you wear.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Last week I planned my husband’s funeral; he hasn’t died yet, it’s just what I do when he annoys me.

comedian & actress

Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

There's a new Playboy for married men – and it has the same centerfold every month.

(1959 – ) American comedian, actress & singer

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.

(1867 – 1936) author & humorist

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

The gifts you buy your wife are never as appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.