Subject: Marriage » Husbands

How many husbands have I had?… do you mean apart from my own?

(1917 – ) Hungarian-born American actress

Never tell a secret to a bride or a groom; wait until they have been married longer.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

There's a new Playboy for married men – and it has the same centerfold every month.

(1959 – ) American comedian, actress & singer

I know not which lives more unnatural lives, obeying husbands, or commanding wives.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

I could be such a wonderful wife to another wife's husband.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist

One good husband is worth two good wives for the scarcer things are, the more they’re valued.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other – so now it’s just a waiting game.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian & game show host

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

(1954 – ) Indian Professor of Journalism

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘we need to talk about our relationship’ may help.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

How it Works: The Husband

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
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