Subject: Marriage (Page 10)

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Middle-age is the time of life, that a man first notices – in his wife.

(1906 – 1989) American poet & author

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

We have a good time together, even when we’re not together

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

You might be a redneck if… your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Marriage: The mourning after the knot before.

The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the happy wish to be married, the married wish to be dead.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist

Marry your son when you will, but your daughter when you can.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Husband: A polygamous animal in a monogamous strait-jacket.

If Miss means respectably unmarried, and Mrs. respectably married, then Ms. means nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

(1940 – 1992) English writer

I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

(1926 – 2012) Irish comedian & actor

I told my wife the truth… I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist; then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Altar: To change through marriage.

You might be a redneck if… you smoked during your wedding.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

(1920 – 2006) American actress

Sex again Peg? … we’ve been married seventeen years now; can’t we just be friends?

(1946 – ) American actor

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all.

(1788 – 1824) English poet