Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Marriage
(Page 11)
You know the honeymoon's over when your dog brings your slippers, and your wife barks at you!
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Marriage
Honeymoons
Honeymoon: The morning after the knot before.
Anonymous
Communication
Definitions
Marriage
Honeymoons
Marriage… resembles a pair of shears so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.
Reverend Sydney Smith
(1771 – 1845) English writer & Anglican clergyman
Marriage
Shears
How many husbands have I had?… do you mean apart from my own?
Zsa Zsa Gabor
(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Husbands
Marriage
Sex
In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity.
Lauren Bacall
(1924 – 2014) American actress & model
Divorce
Hollywood
Marriage
Places
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Husbands
Marriage
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Hollywood
Marriage
Places
Flowers
Grooms
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
Helen Rowland
(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Communication
Husbands
Marriage
Speech
Time
Wives
Newspapers
I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce
Marriage
Alimony
Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.
Anonymous
Husbands
Marriage
Wives
Marital Freedom
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
American proverb
Conflict
Housework
Husbands
Marriage
Proverbs
Shot
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar… a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland
(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Marriage
Altar
Sacrifices
My mother married a very good man… and she is not at all keen on my doing the same.
George Bernard Shaw
(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Marriage
Homosexuals
Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Husband
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
Unknown
Marriage
Romance
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed… I leave.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
Sex
Situations
Wives
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance
Insults
Marriage
Zsa Zsa Gabor
One of my favorite oxymorons is
engagement party.
Scott Roeben
writer, website creator
Marriage
Sex
Oxymorons
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn’t work on auto-pilot and it’s very difficult to have sex in.
Dana Gould
(1964 – ) American comedian
Marriage
Sex
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married
Greg Fitzsimmons
(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Marriage
Sex
I was married twice; my first wife died and my second one wouldn't.
Ross Bennett
(1955 – ) American comedian
Death
Marriage
Page 11 of 36
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