Subject: Marriage (Page 11)

You know the honeymoon's over when your dog brings your slippers, and your wife barks at you!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Honeymoon: The morning after the knot before.

Marriage… resembles a pair of shears so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.

(1771 – 1845) English writer & Anglican clergyman

How many husbands have I had?… do you mean apart from my own?

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress

In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity.

(1924 – 2014) American actress & model

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar… a practice that still continues.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

My mother married a very good man… and she is not at all keen on my doing the same.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.

Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed… I leave.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

One of my favorite oxymorons is engagement party.

writer, website creator

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn’t work on auto-pilot and it’s very difficult to have sex in.

(1964 – ) American comedian

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host

I was married twice; my first wife died and my second one wouldn't.

(1955 – ) American comedian