Subject: Marriage (Page 14)

Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death.

(1963 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, screenwriter & film producer

Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she's been givin’ me lately.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

I am his awfully-wedded wife.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.

(1958 – ) Australian author

I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.

comedian

My wife gets so jealous; she came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Because if it doesn't work out, I don't want to blow the whole day.

American football player

And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages; you get married, and every night, it’s the same sex.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

One man's folly is another man's wife.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later, and for another thing, they die earlier.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Fidelity : A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Husband: A polygamous animal in a monogamous strait-jacket.

Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst of the bargain.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Middle Age: When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her.

Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

(1948 – 1990) comedian

All the unhappy marriages come from husbands having brains; what good are brains to a man? … they only unsettle him.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

When I met my wife I wanted sex in the worst way… and I got it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor