Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Marriage
(Page 14)
Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death.
Mike Myers
(1963 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, screenwriter & film producer
Death
Marriage
Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she's been givin’ me lately.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance
Body
Marriage
Wives
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
Children
Marriage
TV/Movie Quotes
Coffin
I am his
awfully-wedded
wife.
Jane Sherwood Ace
(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Malaprops
Marriage
Wordplay
Lawfully wedded
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Kathy Lette
(1958 – ) Australian author
Husbands
Marriage
Sex
Monogamy
I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
Brian Kiley
comedian
Communication
Marriage
Speech
My wife gets so jealous; she came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Characteristics
Marriage
Wives
Jealousy
Because if it doesn't work out, I don't want to blow the whole day.
Paul Hornung
American football player
Football
Marriage
Sports
On why he was getting married at 11 a.m.
And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages; you get married, and every night, it’s the same sex.
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Marriage
Sex
Wordplay
One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland
(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Men
People
Wives
Folly
Infidelity
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later, and for another thing, they die earlier.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Marriage
Men
Women
Better time
My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals
Dogs
Marriage
Wives
Kissing
Fidelity : A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics
Definitions
Marriage
Fidelity
Virtues
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
Anonymous
Autos
Marriage
Things
Wives
Husband: A polygamous animal in a monogamous strait-jacket.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Husband
Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst of the bargain.
Helen Rowland
(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Marriage
Bargain
Middle Age: When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as you don’t have to go with her.
Anonymous
Age
Definitions
Wives
Middle age
Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Husband
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
Jim Samuels
(1948 – 1990) comedian
Divorce
Marriage
Time
Wives
All the unhappy marriages come from husbands having brains; what good are brains to a man? … they only unsettle him.
P.G. Wodehouse
(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Husbands
Intelligence
Marriage
Wisdom
When I met my wife I wanted sex in the worst way… and I got it.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
Sex
Wives
Page 14 of 36
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