Subject: Marriage (Page 18)

The critical period of matrimony is breakfast time.

(1890 – 1971) English humorist, novelist & playwright

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she’s a householder.

(1897 – 1975) American author & playwright

Every American woman has two souls to call her own, the other being her husband's.

(1877 – 1947) British diarist & critic

Wayne Carter: Aren’t you forgetting that you’re married?

Flower Belle: I’m doin’ my best.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Alimony: A splitting headache.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job… my wife told me.

(1920 – 1991) American poet

If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.

Jim Jordan (1896 – 1988) American radio comedian (of Fibber McGee & Molly)

Because if it doesn't work out, I don't want to blow the whole day.

American football player

Divorce: A splitting headache.

You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she can fit into your wife's clothes.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I just wrote ‘I still love you, see last years card for full details.’

(1976 – ) English comedian & actor

My wife gets all the money I make… I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Insanity: Grounds for divorce in some states; grounds for marriage in all

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My wife and I had words – but I never got to use mine.